Auden's Birth Story

Alright, so I'm finally getting around to this post...a month later. Time is racing by and I just want it to stop so we (Kilian, Roc and I) can enjoy Auden while he is still a little baby. *Sigh* But alas, time will not slow for us so we are soaking it up as much as possible, which is part of the reason it has taken me longer than I expected to get to writing Auden's birth story.

While both Roc and Auden were born at home, the birth experiences were quite different. Roc's birth lasted around 8.5 hours and Auden's was much shorter, 4.5 hours. With Roc, I woke up with contractions at 7 a.m. after a full night's rest and with Auden, I woke up at 3 a.m. after two hours of interrupted (think toddler screaming at the top of his lungs) sleep. With Roc, I pushed for about 30 minutes and with Auden, it took an hour and a half. Roc's birth was much more mental for me whereas Auden's was much more physical. The comparisons could go on and on...
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There were some hints that I might go in to labor the day before Auden's birth so we prepared by notifying our midwife and my in-laws. My mother-in-law came to spend the night with us, just in case, and my midwife and I were in contact until around midnight. She was on call for another birth and we were hoping Auden would wait until the morning so that she could be with us (rather than sending another midwife in her place).

When I woke up just before 3 a.m. to use the bathroom, I noticed a strong contraction but since I was still half-asleep, I didn't know if it was a Braxton-Hicks or a real contraction. I just ignored it and laid down to go back to sleep. While I was in the process of falling asleep, I had another contraction and decided it was worth waiting up to see if anything was happening.

At first the contractions were 10+ minutes apart and lasting around 90 seconds. It was clear that this was the beginning but it was not clear how long it would take for them to become regular and three to four minutes apart. Around 3:30 a.m., after about three contractions, I decided that Kilian should wake up and just before 4 a.m., the contractions were coming regularly every five minutes and lasting two to three minutes, with some eventually getting close to four minutes long - basically double contractions.

We called the midwife and woke up Kilian's mom. My midwife was unfortunately at another home and had to send someone else. This someone arrived about an hour later, just before 5 a.m. During this time, phone calls were made and members of the family were notified. I lost some fluids and thought it was my water breaking; I found out later that it was not. I was walking around and focusing on breathing through these intense contractions. It felt more difficult than it did with Roc. I think this is because I was still congested from a cold I had had the week before so there was lots of mucus that made deep, slow breathing hard and also because I was out of practice. I hadn't been doing yoga or meditation or any birth prep in the weeks leading up to the birth and I think my body was out of practice.

When this lady, the other midwife, arrived around 5 a.m. she found me to be exceedingly and unexpectedly calm, still completely clothed, sitting upright and laboring on the edge of the bed. I was just waiting it out. Since it took around eight hours to get to the pushing stage with Roc's birth, I figured it would be a while with Auden too. I wasn't in a hurry and couldn't gauge how long it would be with Auden. It still felt like the labor had just begun so of course I was chilled out.

But after she arrived, I noticed a change in the labor. It got more mental and physical. With Roc's birth, I was pretty much in my head the whole time - focusing on positive thoughts, trying to trust my self, my body and the whole process, trying to mitigate any fears I might have had, etc. With Auden's labor, I didn't have any apprehensions going in and I was so looking forward to going through the natural birth experience again and meeting him at the end that I was too excited to even harbor any negative thoughts or fears. However, when I started reaching transition - that critical point between the first and second stages of labor - I really noticed the mental challenges it creates. I used the full length bedroom mirror to look myself in the eyes, to reconnect to what I was doing and to smile. It felt so powerful, beautiful and exhilarating. That part was truly awesome.

About an hour after her arrival, around 6 a.m., I felt intense urges to push while at the same time feeling like I wasn't quite there yet (in terms of dilation). Thankfully at that moment, my midwife arrived and was able to coach and guide me through the next part. (Her other birth was advancing at a much slower pace than mine so she was able to make it for the most important part of mine.)

It was not obvious at first, but Auden's head was slightly tilted in such a way that he was stuck behind the pelvic bone and regardless of how much I pushed, he wouldn't move until he got around the bone. My midwife guided through me countless positions until we finally found one that worked. It took over an hour and I became very tired - some of the positions required much more force than just pushing. Some of these positions required a lot of physical effort from Kilian and his muscles were sore the following days. During this stage, it was amazing how lucid I was. There were moments in between contractions that I didn't feel like I was in labor. I would be standing upright, completely relaxed and not feeling any discomfort, even ready to talk and joke around.

After the sun rose, I finally felt Auden move into the birth canal. It was such a relief and I was so full of joy and renewed with energy. I wanted to push him all the way out at that moment but we waited. I got into a comfortable position on the bed and we allowed him to descend slowly. After a few minutes, my midwife gave me the go ahead and with a deep breath, I pushed him out in to my hands. It was 7:29 a.m.
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A few hours old

A few hours old

Our Baby isn't a Baby Anymore

Roc's almost 18 months old and he's so much fun now! It melts my heart. It is hard to believe he really isn't a baby anymore, even though he still nurses twice a day.

Pure joy

He has learned that when we cross our arms, it is time to pray. At night when he is ready for bed, he sits next to us and gestures at us, then crosses his arms. This is his way of saying that it is time for the bedtime routine. Last night he started emptying his laundry hamper to find his pajamas, brought them to us and then started with the arm crossing. "Hey parents, it is bed time. I'm tired. Help me out!" Of course, he does not actually say this but his communication skills are rapidly improving and often very clear.

Last weekend we went to the zoo and brought one of his books with farm animals in it. When we got to the area of the zoo with the farm animals, we got out this book. He quickly started going through his book to find the corresponding animal (horse, cow, pig, chicken, goat, sheep, etc.). Each time we got to a new animal, he would go to the stroller to find the book and start looking for the animal. He makes connections so quickly now and I find it so impressive (I think it is because I really have very little experience with this age group that I have no idea what to expect).

Finding the animal in his book

He makes these type of connections with everything - if there is a picture of the sun, he will go find his pillow with the sun or point out the window (to indicate the location of the sun in the sky) or find another book with the sun in it. If it is a snail, bird, cloud, moon or any other object that he knows, he will do the same.

Riding the snail at the zoo.

Saying "hola" to the monkey.

He understands almost everything we say - both Catalan and English but hasn't begun to speak much yet. There are a few words here and there but consistently we only hear "hola" which can change its definition at any moment to mean whatever he wants it to mean.

Of course now that he is approaching toddlerhood, we are experiencing the less fun parts as well, chiefly, meltdowns and disobedience. Every day he tests the limits and we feel encouraged when he listens and obeys. One of our main challenges with him is food throwing and hitting/scratching us. He mainly throws food when he is tired, bored, full or when he doesn't like what he has been offered to eat. We experiment with different consequences such as taking the plate away from him and ending the meal if the behavior continues. We are trying to help him learn how to communicate these things in constructive ways like handing his spoon, fork or plate to us as an indicator that he is finished. Sometimes he takes off his bib to indicate this, but other times he takes it off because it is bothering him so it is not always clear.

We are not looking forward to the 18 month sleep regression which should soon be upon us. He still doesn't sleep well, usually waking at least once at night and then waking up extremely early (between 6 a.m. -7 a.m.). Until just last week, he was waking multiple times a night with intense hunger. He would eat a whole yogurt, fruit or left overs around 3 a.m. before being able to sleep again. For many days, if not weeks, we tried everything but feeding him only to realize that what was happening was hunger. Thankfully it seems we have passed that stage (fingers crossed).

Playtime with grandma

4 Months & Finding A Home

We are back in Catalonia after a nice month in the United States. Roc has just turned four months old and we are actively looking for a home for our little family.

Yay! I'm four months.

You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to find a place here. Three of our biggest challenges are that Kilian works full-time, we are an hour car ride from where we want to live and we don't have a car (or driver's license). Translation: we are dependent on someone to drive us outside of Kilian's working hours – not exactly the winning combination if you are seriously intent on finding a place. Kilian took two days off last week and we saw a number of places, but none of them were quite right.

So we are back to the drawing board, searching for other options and contacting more companies. Hopefully we can schedule another round of visits and be in a new place soon.
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My hands are tasty!

Meanwhile, Roc is growing up quickly (no surprise there). His hand-eye coordination is improving daily which means he can really get his hands and toys and my hair to his mouth quite easily. And his mouth is his everything at the moment.

The cloth diapers are so thick that he cries every time he is on his tummy (they must put too much pressure). We used disposable diapers while we traveled and found that because they are much thinner, he didn't mind tummy time. As a result, he is getting very strong, enjoying it and can almost roll over completely.

fascinated with grandpa's guitar playing

Roc has a vibrant personality. He knows what he wants, what he likes and dislikes. He loves music; it is an instant calming silencer when he is nervous, tired or upset. He has even started "playing" the piano. He likes to be held so that his feet touch the ground and he can look around.

In the last month he started losing some of his newborn hair. His new frock is quite humorous. Short on one side, long and curly on the other. He has got a little fistful front and center, and a lot back and bottom. He weighs around 17 lbs (or 7.9 kg) give or take the weight of his clothes & diaper; he has more than doubled his birth weight. We will have the official weight at our check up this week.

ready for the Super Bowl

He is very interactive and is learning how to communicate using sounds so we are having a lot more fun together. He has different sounds for different uses (I'm sure this is true for all babies). He loves interacting with people and smiling. He even laughs sometimes, which, of course, is so cute.

He is able to entertain himself a bit which means I can make food, fold laundry, use the computer while he is in his bouncy chair. This is very helpful for me as soon I will be managing my own household and will have a lot more work to do while educating Roc.

It is really an exciting time for our family and we are enjoying this time with Roc.

Snapshots from Seattle

We just returned home from a month in Seattle, visiting with family and friends. It was an amazing trip. I am already missing so many things from home: my mom and her home, the copious amounts of comfort food, the convenience culture (overnight grocery delivery, 6 hour dry-cleaning, Starbucks drive thru, Thai food delivery, ready-made food bar at Whole Foods), online shopping and shopping at Bellevue Square, Quiltworks Northwest and my sewing machine, our friends, etc. Here are a few of the highlights from Seattle:

We arrived in time to celebrate Christmas with my mom.

Meanwhile, my mom dressed up Roc as Santa Claus. She is radiant, overflowing with happiness that we were there.

We had an impromptu BWC reunion brunch at Cafe Flora on Madison. Good times with wonderful friends.

We supported the Seattle Seahawks during the playoffs. #12thman

The mandatory Starbucks run – in Seahawks gear for our 12¢ brewed coffee.

Our dear Tara flew in from New York. This is her meeting Roc.

We got to see the lovely Mona for the first time in a year and a half!

Kilian and I shared some quality time.

We visited with longtime friends from the Seattle Baha'i community. We saw many more and of course forgot to take photos. We missed out a number more because of time constraints.

Roc had play dates with his baby friends.

We took naps when necessary.

Roc's great-grandmother and great-grandfather visited too, it was so beautiful to see.

Roc's great-great-aunt Peggy had a lot of fun with him.

We saw Mount Rainier and finally had a family photo taken.

We went to the park when the weather allowed (Kerry Park on Queen Anne).

We celebrated my 28th birthday in style - brunch at Tilth Restaurant in Wallingford, a favorite of mine.

We had a house full of family and friends for my birthday dinner.

Mama's Top 5 Accomplishments during Baby's Second Month

My top five accomplishments during Roc's second month of life. Having a newborn is not easy and here is the proof in five small, big achievements:

1. We went to Tarragona, the provincial capital, to turn in the required papers for my Spanish residency card. This only took about 6 hours of our day. In a few days time, we will be able to go pick it up.
2. We completed the paperwork for and went to Barcelona to register Roc's birth and apply for a US passport and social security number. A few weeks later, we went back to pick everything up! Both times, we took advantage of being in the big city to do some much-needed shopping.
3. I slowly started exercising again, though not consistently since it hasn't been possible. I have been doing makeshift aerobics in our little bedroom to get my heart rate up and to sweat some. I've mixed this with yoga poses to stretch and strengthen my tense muscles. I wish I could do this every day!
4. I have spent some hours learning how to drive a manual transmission. It gave me great anxiety at first, especially since I was trying to start in third gear (not recommended). With each drive, I am becoming more confident. The next step will be to get my Spanish driver's license, which may require driving lessons (depends on if required by the state) and taking both a written and practical exam. Fun!
5. I learned how to iron well, which I must admit, is quite exciting. Since everything down to underwear and towels are ironed here, I figured it was time to learn. It is quite a time consuming activity; it is easy to spend hours ironing with achieving very little. The hardest part is seeing something freshly ironed fall victim to baby spit-up. C'est la vie! 

Of the above-mentioned activities, four of five (exercise-excluded) would not have been possible without the assistance of Gloria, my amazing mother-in-law, who has been sacrificing many hours and days to help these things get accomplished.

Baby's Second Month

Our darling baby boy has completed his second month of life!

I'm two months old!

Here's a little bit of how he has grown this past month:

• He has become a more efficient eater, with almost all feedings taking less than 15 minutes.
• He has gained quite a bit of weight (just over 1 kg or 2.4 lbs) and is now almost entirely in 3-6 month clothes. 
• He discovered his hand and how good it tastes. He hasn't quite figured out how to hold it to his mouth or how to get it there every time, but he is on his way to becoming a thumb-sucker!
  
• With his hand, he now grabs on to things – long hair, clothing, jewelry, etc. – and therefore we have to be careful with what is available for him to hold grab.
• He can hold his head up for periods of time and turn it. He has a preferred side though, looking to his left, and we have a hard time getting him to look to the right.
• We started putting him in a bouncy chair which he really loves and will often complain when we take him out. 
  
• He learned how to cry/scream. We bought him his first pacifier (so sad I know!) which help calms him and we have found he likes it a little too much.
• In the last two weeks, he became much more alert, started smiling and making the googly-gaga sounds that babies make. He often does this in response to us, but mostly for his Grandma Gloria. It is not a given  – it is still touch-n-go – and of course, he won't let us capture it on camera!
  
• His eyelashes went from blond and short to brown and long!
• Unless he is very tired, holding him close to the body is a no-no. He wants to be free!
• He's not quite sleeping through the night as he's still eating every three hours. With shorter feedings though, it is not that bad. 
• I posted this before and it continues to be true: he LOVES bath time.

Finding the Time

Finding the time to sit calmly, reflect and write down my thoughts is not something I have a lot of time for these days - as much as I might benefit from it. Although my baby sleeps a lot, there is never a guarantee for how long he will sleep. Any time between 30 minutes to four hours is normal and this usually depends on his digestion.

Love my baby.

These days, he has found the most peace and tranquility from sleeping on me, usually around my chest where he can stay warm and feel my heartbeat. Since he normally wakes if I try to lay him down on a bed, in his crib, in his stroller, or on any surface that is not his mom, I have my hands full and have a hard time getting anything done whether it be eating, brushing my teeth, reading or writing. I say all this with the sweetness of love and affection, full of the Oxytocin that is being constantly released from my motherly body.

Roc's first bath - look at that happy baby!

Needless to say, we have yet to create a daily schedule. The most consistency we have found are the baths we give him at night, which he absolutely loves. During his bath time, his face is completely contented, his muscles relaxed, his body calm, his eyes alert and at times, playful. He becomes incredibly upset when bath time is over. The poor guy gets himself so worked up that it takes another hour just to calm him down. We haven't yet figured out how to overcome this part.

The lack of consistency was the most difficult in the first weeks when I was more accustomed to my pre-mama lifestyle. Now that I have been in baby world for 6+ weeks, I am becoming more and more comfortable with the unpredictability of it all which is making it actually easier for me to predict how things will go and therefore have more realistic expectations for myself and for life, making the journey a lot more fun.

It's true a baby will change your perspective on just about everything. There will be less time for you and more opportunity for things to go not-as-planned. What makes it so beautiful is what can be learned, gained and developed, such as compassion towards oneself and others, detachment from more material attainments as well as its ability to open the eyes to the reality and power of parenthood, outside from which cannot be even partially grasped or understood. In some ways, I feel much less pressure on myself than I did before and this creates a sense of contentment, joy and bliss while at the same time I'm feeling the anxiety of being in a state of the unlearned, inexperienced which only time, practice and patience can overcome.

This kind of attitude is only possible by being open to it. We have the choice - we can resist the inconsistency, fighting for routine, time for oneself, for keeping the clothes clean, dry and spit-up free, or embracing wholeheartedly, the package that is parenthood. And this choice will impact the well-being of the whole family, for better or worse. It's not just about the work/life balance but also about the baby/mama/papa care balance that's important. Everyone's needs have to be met; the only ones who have the power to change what they consider needs are the parents. With our ability to be flexible, we are able to be available for our babies and to give so much more. Thank God for that!

I'd love to write more but the baby calls. Until next time...

He loves sleeping on mommy.

Roc's First Month

Our baby is one month old today and what a month it has been! Our little guy is growing so fast (I know, not a surprise) and we are struggling to slow down the time so we can make the most of every minute.

At birth and at one month

Roc's first two weeks of life were surrounded by immediate and extended family. My mom was here from the US and different members of Kilian's family were visiting us almost daily. I was in a hormone-induced and sleep-deprived daze for most of it. My body was physically recovering from nine months of pregnancy and the requirements of giving birth while a heavy dosage of postpartum hormones were creating a state of pure ecstasy for me emotionally. It was a strange combination that made me feel capable of doing more than I should have been doing, i.e. socializing with family, going out, walking, not taking enough naps, etc. during that first week or two. Looking back, I realize I should have asked less from myself than I did at that time.

After the excitement of the first weeks died down and I started to feel more myself again, both physically and emotionally, I have been trying to understand my baby better and establish some sort of routine, which hasn't really been possible. Roc doesn't have a pattern yet; he's changing very rapidly. The first weeks, he slept all the time with long feedings every 3-4-5 hours. Now he spends his mornings awake, with short feedings every 30-60 minutes, meaning that I am occupied with him from 7 or 8 until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It is very hard work! He then falls asleep in the afternoon and usually sleeps continuously with short breaks for feeding until the next day, unless his stomach is bothering him - then he doesn't sleep at all.

"Hey! I'm one month old!"

He is not a crier; he is a grunter. He is pretty mellow, calm, patient and content. He doesn't get upset or fussy from being with a large number of people or around loud noises. For example, the night he was born, we had some 7 or 8 people in the room playing guitar and singing to him. He may or may not have even noticed. The next day, there were probably double that number of people in the house, wanting to hold him and just a great deal of commotion. No problem for Roc. There have been a number of situations where either he completely sleeps through various loud noises or is completely unfazed by lots of people. In general, he does not complain much and he loves when people sing to him.

My husband and I are completely exhausted while also full of joy and love, which helps us through the days and nights. The nights are not as bad as I thought they would be but successive days (and weeks) of inadequate sleep starts to affect you, whether you like or not. We typically will get a total of 5-6 hours of sleep per night, but it is usually punctuated with a couple of feedings and possibly a diaper change. A few nights ago, we got 6.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was glorious! But that was only once.

Roc's grown so much that he is already out of most of his newborn clothes and starting to fit into three month clothes. I hope they continue to fit through the full three months! He is a really good eater with chunky little thighs. It's crazy to see how much he has grown in a month. He already weighs almost 5kg!

This little soul has brought so much joy and life to our home. We are all too aware of how short-lived these first months are. I try so hard to hold tight on to each moment but it just slips past, beyond grasp. It is so special to just hold him and cuddle him, to study all the details of his face in order to try to record it somewhere in memory, his smell and his gestures and all the related feelings so that in the future, more than a photo remains of these brief times.

Welcoming Wendell Roc: Our Homebirth Experience

After having incredible hunger most of the night, I finally got up around 7:15 a.m. to eat a small breakfast. We were planning to go out to breakfast with family at 9 a.m. so I didn't want to ruin my appetite and figured something small could hold me over until then.

While I was preparing breakfast and eating, I noticed that I was having frequent contractions and they felt a little bit different than the typical Braxton-Hicks I was accustomed to experiencing. Typically, I would only experience Braxton-Hicks when awaking from sleep - so at odd hours of the night or first thing in the morning and they would be done once I had gotten up. These contractions were different since I could also feel them in my lower back and continued after I started moving.

I didn't want to jump to conclusions or get too excited (it could have been pre-labor) so I decided to just monitor the situation over breakfast. At one moment, I tried eating during a contraction and it only made me feel nauseous (recommendation: eat between contractions, not during). This bodily response to the food indicated that these were not normal Braxton-Hicks and hence, this might be the real deal. Conclusion: go wake up your husband.

So I made my way upstairs and calmly woke my husband. I waited for him to wake a little before I told him that I had experienced regular contractions for the last 30 minutes that were about 5 minutes apart. He was ready to call the midwife but since it hadn't been at least an hour, we decided to wait. At around 8:30 a.m., we called both our midwife and doula to let them know that regular contractions had started. Our family breakfast plans were effectively cancelled.

The contractions were very manageable and I felt very calm and relaxed. I wasn't sure I was really in labor. It was all so tranquil at home. The contractions were coming every 3-4 minutes and lasting between 45 seconds to 1.5 minutes. I simply breathed through them and focused on relaxing my body and enjoying the process.

The midwife and doula arrived about 15 minutes apart from each other around 10 a.m. Immediately the midwife took my heart rate and blood pressure and monitored the heartbeat of the baby. Everything was going well. At that point, I was still able to carry on a conversation in between the contractions and I was very calm, even too relaxed; the midwife told my mother-in-law that she didn't think I was in labor (she didn't tell me that, ha!) because I was too relaxed and calm and she hadn't seen that before.

My labor continued to progress and I struggled to find a comfortable position. I started on all-fours on the bed and this was good but then the doula brought in the exercise ball for me to lean on with my arms. This relieved a great pressure that was there between my upper stomach and lungs and gave me more space to breathe which was extremely helpful. I tried standing, leaning on the ball while standing and while on the floor and laying on my side but none of these positions worked for me. I could only be on my knees leaning on the ball.

One very helpful thing that the midwife, doula and my husband did was apply pressure to my lower back/hip area with the palm of their hand. The warmth plus the pressure helped relieve a lot of pressure I was feeling from the baby.

The midwife made an infusion with cinnamon, lemon and honey for me to drink during the process but every time I drank anything I would feel nauseous which was followed by burps so I didn't want to take anything in because I thought I would vomit. As a result, I hardly drank anything during the entire labor. Only towards the end, I was able to drink this sports drink (kind of like Gatorade) and it felt really good since it had been many hours without eating or drinking.

Late in the morning, I stopped being able to have a conversation with anyone during the labor. It was time to focus. At that point, I had asked for the birthing pool to be set up. Little did we know that the hot water heater for the house wasn't prepared in time so it ended up taking about 2 hours to set up the pool with the help of the doula, my in-laws including my brother-in-law and his wife. Sometime during this waiting period, my mucous plug had come out.

It must have been around 2 p.m. that I went into the water. By that time, my labor had become increasingly intense and I was ready for a nap. Getting into the water was a huge relief for my muscles and body - everything felt lighter. In the pool, however, I could not get comfortable for the life of me. It didn't feel well to be seated or to float on my stomach or to float on my side or back. And I was very tired and I couldn't fall asleep because I had to keep my head above the water.

My time in the pool was the roughest. I had heard so many great things about birthing pools and what-have-you so I wanted to try it but I am pretty sure I went through transition in the pool. Transition was challenging because that was when I really felt moments where my emotions started getting the best of me.

Until the pool, I had been very focused on positive thinking, breathing and logic. Every moment I felt where I wanted to cry, I had told myself to face it calmly and without excitement, nerves or tension. I was constantly reminding myself that any trace of anxiety, nervousness, fear or resistance would slow down my labor and make it harder on the baby, my body and myself. I was also reminding myself of how capable my body was of doing this work and that I was healthy and strong so there was no need for doubts or worries. Repeating "Alláh-u-Abhá" was also of enormous value. Every time I would focus on the positive, I would feel the Oxytocin release and would feel happier and better in the process. 

During my time in the pool (and most probably transition), this constant stream of constructive reasoning was no longer sufficient. My emotions were stronger and I felt what I assume most women feel during this time: feeling like you can't do it and that you want to give up. I was a bit surprised when I started having these negative thoughts and I had to try even harder to counter them with positive thoughts...And then I remembered this quote from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá:

“The woman is indeed of the greater importance to the race. She has the greater burden and the greater work. Look at the vegetable and the animal worlds. The palm which carries the fruit is the tree most prized by the date grower. The Arab knows that for a long journey the mare has the longest wind. For her greater strength and fierceness, the lioness is more feared by the hunter than the lion.

"The mere size of the brain has been proved to be no measure of superiority. The woman has greater moral courage than the man; she has also special gifts which enable her to govern in moments of danger and crisis. If necessary she can become a warrior.”

After about an hour of not being comfortable in the pool, it was time to get things moving again so I got out. I think I had one, if not two, contractions outside of the pool before returning to my bedroom. Walking from the room the pool was in to my bedroom (about 20 feet max.) was incredibly difficult. I barely made it to the bed before something was falling out of me! It was my water bag. What a strange feeling! It started coming out whole then broke during the process. It was then that I began to realize that maybe I was really in labor.

The midwife began to prepare for the birth. She set up the birthing stool and got Kilian and I into position. It was her indications that led me to believe I was close to the end. Wow! What a concept when you are in the middle of labor! She had me sit down on this hard birthing stool and had Kilian support me. She asked me if I wanted to feel my baby and told me to put my finger in to feel him. He was just in past the point of my index finger, maybe 3 inches. She told me I could start pushing.

I pushed a few times on that hard stool and that really hurt. She had me pause to make sure I was dilated enough only to find that the baby had dropped almost two inches - yup, I was fully dilated. I moved to the bed since the stool was painful and used the doula for support while pushing. The midwife placed warm towels on my womanly parts and told me to press down towards them. This really helped me direct my pushing in the right direction. Then she told me to push in such a way that the baby stays down. I did that and the baby stayed down. Kilian and her could see his long hair coming out. Then she told me not to push and to wait. I could feel the baby's head opening the vaginal area and coming out on its own. This felt very, very strange and I kind of jerked my leg and stressfully asked "What is happening down there?!"(It's too bad I moved because it caused a tear). After that, the midwife had me move in to position to catch my baby. With one more long push, he was out. It was 3:47 p.m. (Obviously, there is the post-baby labor stuff but I am not going to go through that here).

I was so thankful that Kilian was there the whole time supporting me in every way possible. We also had great support from the midwife and doula as well as the family who were able to help making sure we had everything we needed during the process. While we were in labor, they were very quiet, preparing food and saying prayers.

When everything finally calmed down that evening, we had a small musical devotional in our bedroom for Wendell Roc with all of the immediate family. It was a beautiful way to welcome him into the world.

**UPDATE: My husband's perspective on our homebirth experience can be found here.

Within hours of his birth.

The official birth announcement

Wendell Roc

On being 39 weeks pregnant...

As this pregnancy winds down, I feel compelled to comment on it.

It's been a pretty enjoyable journey. When I first found out I was pregnant, I really didn't know what to expect. I heard all these horror stories about women who feel so ugly, fat and uncomfortable for nine months. They put on all this weight even though they are constantly vomiting and they can't sleep or basically do anything normally. So I was a little nervous about what was to come, but thankfully, I found that I experienced it very differently.

During the first trimester, I experienced heightened hormones and hence, moodiness and headaches but did not have other pregnancy symptoms. I transitioned in to the second trimester quite smoothly. It was not until around 20 weeks (halfway) that I started to have the slightest baby bump and it was not until the sixth month that I made a complete switch into pregnancy clothes, many of which were just over-sized regular clothes. Even now at 39 weeks, people think I am in my seventh or eighth month; I feel very blessed.

It was important for me to make sure that the clothes I had during pregnancy made me feel beautiful, but that they were also practical. I also made sure to wear makeup and jewelry and spend time on my hair. It makes a difference in how one sees and feels about oneself; it's not about vanity and it's not vain!

The best investment I made for this pregnancy was in a pair of flat Clarks sandals that I could dress up or down. (It was summer. For fall/winter I would recommend a pair of awesome boots with some good support.) Yes, they were Clarks but they weren't as unattractive as expected and they made it possible for me to be on my feet, walking for hours and hours without getting tired or sore. 

I also didn't experience the said pregnancy cravings or increased appetite that many women experience. I think maintaining a healthy, balanced diet is key to preventing cravings and overeating during this time. I did need to have small healthy snacks throughout the day or my blood sugar would drop drastically and I would not be able to function too well. This was very difficult for me but it was the key. I felt like it was training or preparation for motherhood, since during motherhood you have to feed the baby (and later child) throughout the day. There have to be scheduled breaks for the little one and you have to prepare their snacks before you leave the house. Pregnancy really helps prepare you for this - as hard as it is. It requires a bit of detachment from the way you are used to living; it is a preview of what is to come.

At one point during the second trimester, I was dealing with severely dry, itchy skin. It ended up being connected to eating chocolate and drinking coffee. By significantly reducing (I don't have the power to remove these completely) these acidic, caffeinated foods from my diet, my skin recovered within a few days. Another food-related issue I had was during the seventh month. It was when my belly really started to grow and I think the pressure on my stomach and digestive track was very great. It only happened three times but three times for a week at a time is not easy. Basically, I couldn't eat or drink without severe stomach pain, diarrhea and vomiting. It was very intense and I still don't know what caused it. Thankfully, it resolved itself in the end.

One thing that saved me during this pregnancy was continuous exercise, which typically took the form of yoga and some weight training (I didn't have access to an elliptical or pool, which would have been amazing). Just 30 minutes of exercise a few times per week really increased my energy levels like nothing else and it also decreased any tightness or soreness I may have been experiencing.

In the last week or two, I have started to have a bit of swelling in general. I am much more tired than before and there is more pressure on my lower back which makes it challenging to sleep and to walk quickly. I can't complain though. This time will be very short-lived and soon our son will be here. It's been a pleasant experience, requiring patience and detachment. Patience because I have had to wait for nine months and detachment because I will experience a huge life change. I will become a mom and there is no going back to pre-mom Ashley - ever. Here is a beautiful prayer revealed by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá for this moment in time:

My Lord! My Lord! I praise Thee and I thank Thee for that whereby Thou hast favored Thine humble maidservant, Thy slave beseeching and supplicating Thee, because Thou hast verily guided her unto Thine obvious Kingdom and caused her to hear Thine exalted Call in the contingent world and to behold Thy Signs which prove the appearance of Thy victorious reign over all things.

O my Lord, I dedicate that which is in my womb unto Thee. Then cause it to be a praiseworthy child in Thy Kingdom and a fortunate one by Thy favor and Thy generosity; to develop and to grow up under the charge of Thine education. Verily, Thou art the Gracious! Verily, Thou art the Lord of Great Favor!