If you would have told me five years ago what my life would be like today, I would not have believed you.

Working with children in Peru

Five years ago, I had just returned from a year in rural Peru, where I had been working in social and economic development. During that year, I began studying the Bahá'í Writings. What began as an intellectual query to understand the appeal of the Bahá'í Faith quickly snowballed into an all out investigation into the Bahá'í  teachings and claims. Gradually I found myself identifying with many of its teachings and principles while feeling reluctant to accept the idea of organized religion and the concept of God. 


Formally accepting the Baha'i Faith
December 27, 2008

With time, however, I could not deny the longing in my soul, a longing that had been dismissed and suppressed, time and again, because of the materialistic society in which I had been raised that praised self-serving behavior, extreme individualism, and rigid rejection of religion. My spiritual nature had in part been ignored because I personally couldn't believe in a God that judged, punished and humiliated His subjects or in religion when religious institutions consistently failed to live by the teachings they themselves espoused and where any "educated" or "socially-conscious" person would be socially persecuted for associating with religion and spirituality in any more direct way than claiming that they are "spiritual, but not religious." In an extreme cultural climate such as this, I navigated my life, not able to feel spiritually fulfilled nor was I religiously inclined. In this world, full of extremes on every side, it was impossible to feel like a completely whole human being. 

After traveling and living in many different countries, I began to recognize the obvious truth that humanity is one. We are one, interconnected, interdependent whole body. Hurt to one part of the body affects the whole. Violence and war in one part of the globe impacts lives in another part of the world. We are not immune. The recognition of this truth is key to living a meaningful life—and was a major factor in my own spiritual awakening and transformation.


Over the course of a few years, I read a bit on different religious traditions but it wasn't until I studied the Bahá'í teachings that I felt I found a complete, well-rounded, no nonsense body of spiritual and practical life guidance. Five years ago, when I formally accepted the Bahá'í Faith it was only the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of a spiritually empowering and transforming process that has brought me further in life than I could have ever imagined it would. 

With my husband at the Baha'i World Centre in Haifa, Israel


I would have never imagined that within the last five years, I would have spent half of that time as a volunteer in the Holy Land, serving at the administrative and spiritual center of the Bahá'í Faith. I would have never imagined that I would be married to an incredibly loving man from Catalonia and that we would have a sweet son. I would have never imagined how much capacity I had to transform—how much personal growth I would have accomplished. There is so much beauty, harmony, grace, and love in my life. All of these blessings are from the grace of God.* 

The three of us

What has transpired over these five years continually confirms the decision I made five years ago when I accepted with my whole heart and soul the teachings. The road has not been easy as it is the one less traveled. As the poet Robert Frost once finely wrote:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

*To anyone who doesn't believe in God, I know this could potentially sound "crazy", "irrational", etc. I was just like you most of my life. And your reasoning is most likely incredibly valid, depending on the framework from which you are operating and how you define and understand the word "God." Even if you never end up agreeing or believing, I encourage you to seek to understand why anyone would choose this path, not for yourself so much as it will provide you with a greater worldview and perspective that will come in handy throughout your life.

We all struggle with ourselves

Some days I wake up in the worst of moods. Whether it is feeling unmotivated, worried, stressed or just low, no amount of prayer brings me up. I know that we all have choices in life and we can really choose how we react to these things. We can become a slave to emotional, circumstantial or hormonal changes or we can put them in their place and overcome them. This is a choice we have to make daily and we must always be on guard lest something prevents us from realizing our power to choose. We are not always conscious that we have control over our thoughts, feelings and moods. And even if we are conscious, the effort required to change these things may be great.  There are a couple of Writings from the Bahá'í Faith that help me during these times when I remember them and focus my attention on them:

Be not the slave of your moods, but their master. But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier load than you. - attributed to ‘Abdu’l-Bahá 

I charge you all that each one of you concentrate all the thoughts of your heart on love and unity. When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love. Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content. Thoughts of love are constructive of brotherhood, peace, friendship, and happiness. -‘Abdu’l-Bahá

We must strive to attain to that condition by being separated from all things and from the people of the world and by turning to God alone. It will take some effort on the part of man to attain to that condition, but he must work for it, strive for it. We can attain to it by thinking and caring less for material things and more for the spiritual. The further we go from the one, the nearer we are to the other. The choice is ours. -‘Abdu’l-Bahá

Watch over yourselves, for the Evil One is lying in wait, ready to entrap you. Gird yourselves against his wicked devices, and, led by the light of the name of the All-Seeing God, make your escape from the darkness that surroundeth you. Let your vision be world-embracing, rather than confined to your own self. The Evil One is he that hindereth the rise and obstructeth the spiritual progress of the children of men. - Bahá’u’lláh

Shoghi Effendi with his Grandfather, 'Abdu'l-Baha

There is a story of Shoghi Effendi, the Guardian of the Bahá'í Faith, who in his early 20's was called upon to give up his life and become the Head of the Faith. This placed a great burden on him and he took leave to the mountains of Switzerland to rest, grieve the loss of his dear Grandfather, come to terms with the fact that he had been appointed Guardian and prepare himself to take on these heavy responsibilities. It has been related that he said that "he fought with himself until he conquered himself and then he turned himself over to God and became the Guardian." (from a talk by Hand of the Cause of God, Leroy Ioas)

In the following prayer, one commits to being positive, to let go of all the negative and to put their trust in God, regardless of what is happening in one's life: 

O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.

O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.

This is something all of us must do. Whether or not we believe in God, we have to conquer ourselves in order to make progress and enjoy success in this world. We have to work hard every day in order to advance. If we want to enjoy success in our families or careers, it means we have to dedicate ourselves to these things, to becoming better, to advancing and to overcoming the inevitable obstacles that we will face. At any moment, we could feel discouraged, tired or burnt out but life requires us to overcome these feelings and challenges in order to get where we want to be. This is why it is so important to be aware of our own power to influence our own destiny - a destiny which is a consequence of our daily actions, habits and thoughts.  

Be generous in your days of plenty, and be patient in the hour of loss. Adversity is followed by success and rejoicings follow woe. Guard against idleness and sloth, and cling unto that which profiteth mankind, whether young or old, whether high or low. - Bahá’u’lláh

One final note: This is not a simple or easy thing to do. To change one's thought, feeling, habit requires daily effort, patience and discipline. It is not something that happens overnight or the first time you try. All that is being asked is that we make the effort, not that we see immediate results. I think it can be easy to become discouraged with all this talk about self-empowerment because it can seem very idealistic; unrealistic and disconnected from the reality of so many people. This is something that requires a long-term commitment and viewing our daily efforts as a long-term process. It is the baby steps that help us little by little become better over time - not one giant leap at one moment in time.

Let each morn be better than its eve and each morrow richer than its yesterday. -Bahá’u’lláh

On being 39 weeks pregnant...

As this pregnancy winds down, I feel compelled to comment on it.

It's been a pretty enjoyable journey. When I first found out I was pregnant, I really didn't know what to expect. I heard all these horror stories about women who feel so ugly, fat and uncomfortable for nine months. They put on all this weight even though they are constantly vomiting and they can't sleep or basically do anything normally. So I was a little nervous about what was to come, but thankfully, I found that I experienced it very differently.

During the first trimester, I experienced heightened hormones and hence, moodiness and headaches but did not have other pregnancy symptoms. I transitioned in to the second trimester quite smoothly. It was not until around 20 weeks (halfway) that I started to have the slightest baby bump and it was not until the sixth month that I made a complete switch into pregnancy clothes, many of which were just over-sized regular clothes. Even now at 39 weeks, people think I am in my seventh or eighth month; I feel very blessed.

It was important for me to make sure that the clothes I had during pregnancy made me feel beautiful, but that they were also practical. I also made sure to wear makeup and jewelry and spend time on my hair. It makes a difference in how one sees and feels about oneself; it's not about vanity and it's not vain!

The best investment I made for this pregnancy was in a pair of flat Clarks sandals that I could dress up or down. (It was summer. For fall/winter I would recommend a pair of awesome boots with some good support.) Yes, they were Clarks but they weren't as unattractive as expected and they made it possible for me to be on my feet, walking for hours and hours without getting tired or sore. 

I also didn't experience the said pregnancy cravings or increased appetite that many women experience. I think maintaining a healthy, balanced diet is key to preventing cravings and overeating during this time. I did need to have small healthy snacks throughout the day or my blood sugar would drop drastically and I would not be able to function too well. This was very difficult for me but it was the key. I felt like it was training or preparation for motherhood, since during motherhood you have to feed the baby (and later child) throughout the day. There have to be scheduled breaks for the little one and you have to prepare their snacks before you leave the house. Pregnancy really helps prepare you for this - as hard as it is. It requires a bit of detachment from the way you are used to living; it is a preview of what is to come.

At one point during the second trimester, I was dealing with severely dry, itchy skin. It ended up being connected to eating chocolate and drinking coffee. By significantly reducing (I don't have the power to remove these completely) these acidic, caffeinated foods from my diet, my skin recovered within a few days. Another food-related issue I had was during the seventh month. It was when my belly really started to grow and I think the pressure on my stomach and digestive track was very great. It only happened three times but three times for a week at a time is not easy. Basically, I couldn't eat or drink without severe stomach pain, diarrhea and vomiting. It was very intense and I still don't know what caused it. Thankfully, it resolved itself in the end.

One thing that saved me during this pregnancy was continuous exercise, which typically took the form of yoga and some weight training (I didn't have access to an elliptical or pool, which would have been amazing). Just 30 minutes of exercise a few times per week really increased my energy levels like nothing else and it also decreased any tightness or soreness I may have been experiencing.

In the last week or two, I have started to have a bit of swelling in general. I am much more tired than before and there is more pressure on my lower back which makes it challenging to sleep and to walk quickly. I can't complain though. This time will be very short-lived and soon our son will be here. It's been a pleasant experience, requiring patience and detachment. Patience because I have had to wait for nine months and detachment because I will experience a huge life change. I will become a mom and there is no going back to pre-mom Ashley - ever. Here is a beautiful prayer revealed by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá for this moment in time:

My Lord! My Lord! I praise Thee and I thank Thee for that whereby Thou hast favored Thine humble maidservant, Thy slave beseeching and supplicating Thee, because Thou hast verily guided her unto Thine obvious Kingdom and caused her to hear Thine exalted Call in the contingent world and to behold Thy Signs which prove the appearance of Thy victorious reign over all things.

O my Lord, I dedicate that which is in my womb unto Thee. Then cause it to be a praiseworthy child in Thy Kingdom and a fortunate one by Thy favor and Thy generosity; to develop and to grow up under the charge of Thine education. Verily, Thou art the Gracious! Verily, Thou art the Lord of Great Favor!

Mistaken Beliefs and Taking Responsibility

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the concept of taking responsibility for one's life and all that it entails. Shoghi Effendi reminds us that:

Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being "perfect as our heavenly father is perfect" and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy.

In general, as a concept in society, it seems that people don't realize their own potential or their own power over who they are. It is as if they are just subject to the various forces around them. For example, if someone is mean to them, the assumed appropriate response is to be mean back. This assumption or belief in "an eye for an eye" does at least two things: 1, is that it makes the individual's behavior dependent on the actions of others, rendering them weak and powerless to external forces beyond their control (e.g. someone else's behavior) and 2, it nurtures a sense of entitlement and justification for retaliating.  The person perpetrating the wrong-doing is the one wronged, not the person who receives the bad action and it baffles me that often we see the wronged one commit another wrong in return, the victim of both an external force and the hurt ego.

Another example we often see is within the young people around us who behave in ways that are aligned with what their family, friends, community, teachers say to them or believe about them. Often times, the adults in their life have very low and negative standards for these young people, expecting the worst from them. We then see the youth act out in negative ways which goes on to perpetuate the negative beliefs around them. There seems to be little hope for escaping the cycle and ever more frequently, there are articles about this problematic age group in the media as well as stories of ever more appalling behavior from them.

Both of these examples just scratch the surface on this issue which is based on one or more mistaken beliefs that create negative results in the lives of those who believe in them. In both examples, these beliefs seem to be the result of poor education - people just don't know better and most likely, their parents taught it to them because most likely, they didn't know any better either.

Living life in this way is not living an authentic life and it is not taking responsibility for who you are and who you want to be. The Bahá’í Writings explain:

We must not be content with simply following a certain course because we find our fathers pursued that course. It is the duty of everyone to investigate reality, and investigation of reality by another will not do for us... Ideas and beliefs left by his fathers and ancestors as a heritage will not suffice, for adherence to these are but imitations and imitations have ever been a cause of disappointment and misguidance. Be investigators of reality, that you may attain the verity of truth and life. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

The beliefs of our forefathers or of those around us do not necessarily reflect the truth about reality or the nature of life. When we continue down a path of believing in ideas such as "an eye for an eye" or "teenagers are rebellious and unruly" we are propagating negative beliefs in our society and culture that are based on fiction. We are doing ourselves, our peers and our children a disservice. To me, this is one manifestation of not taking responsibility.  We can look at some other writings from the Bahá’í Faith to gain insights into what it then means to take responsibility for oneself:

Each human creature has individual endowment, power and responsibility in the creative plan of God. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

Unto each one hath been prescribed a pre-ordained measure...All that which ye potentially possess can, however, be manifested only as a result of your own volition. Your own acts testify to this truth. - Bahá'u'lláh

Man is the supreme Talisman. Lack of a proper education hath, however, deprived him of that which he doth inherently possess... Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom.  - Bahá'u'lláh

The reality of man is his thought, not his material body... the power of thought is dependent on its manifestation in deeds. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

I charge you all that each one of you concentrate all the thoughts of your heart on love and unity. When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love. Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

This last writing is of particular importance to this discussion. 'Abdu'l-Bahá says, "Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content." This concept is not limited to the literal concept of war, but rather any negative thought one might have. Since we know that we can control and change our thoughts and beliefs, we can see an enormous power that rests within each one of us. I may not have the power to change someone else's beliefs, but by changing my own, I can make an impact on the world. And if I change my thoughts, even better since often our thoughts are informed by our beliefs. And if I change both my beliefs and thoughts, which then inform my actions, I'm not only improving my own life, but I am creating positive change all around - in my family, friendships, community, work and society. It's the responsibility of each and everyone of us to take charge of our destinies, of who we are and who we want to be. Rumi says:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Junior Youth Update

We are still working with two junior youth groups. It's incredible to witness the level of receptivity we encountered with them and their eagerness to participate.

We are finding it very challenging to get them completely started. There are two main reasons for this: one, we are have yet to meet most (all but one) of the parents and get their approval and support of the program and two, we have not found a permanent indoor location to carry out the group.

We meet in a public park where there are lots of people, noises and distractions which results in low concentration, low participation and not much progress from session-to-session, which is reducing the enthusiasm of the junior youth. Although we could easily invite them to our home, we feel that it would be inappropriate without first knowing their parents and having their consent. So although we have been meeting with them for about one month, we have not yet started any of the junior youth books and only having partial sessions related to themes such as service, friendship, unity and excellence.

This week, our main goal is to have the parental authorization forms filled in so that we can have them over and also to put more pressure on them to meet their parents. If we can achieve this, then there will be a much higher likelihood that the groups can and will continue. There are other challenges as well, but I feel that if we can surmount these ones first, the other ones will also be surmountable.

Please keep us in your prayers. We are also open and eager to consult with those who have experience in this field of service.

Life is really busy...but now we have a midwife!

I have been trying to write a few times per week and this has not happened the last two weeks!

We have been so busy and I am hoping that this week I can catch up properly with pictures and posts. I was even sick for the past week because we were so busy before that - just overdoing it!

The most important accomplishment in the past two weeks was finalizing the birth location. We started looking into midwives who offer home birth much too late in this pregnancy and so I spent a lot of time going to/from Tarragona and Barcelona interviewing midwives. In the end we found one (yay!) and we also hired a Baha'i doula. Needless to say, I feel very relieved, excited and ready!

The hospital option made me incredibly apprehensive, despite the fact that the hospital near us is "pro-natural" birth, they still operate with lots of unnecessary protocols that made me feel nervous and unsafe. I see birth as a holistic experience that is all parts emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and physiological - not only physical or physiological, which is what most medical models of birth follow so it felt necessary for me to give birth around people who also see birth in this way and respect its natural process.

The baby is due in three weeks time (although I am now considered full-term) and my mom will be here the day before his due date. It would be nice if he waited for her to arrive but now that we have everything prepared: newborn prayer, midwife, his bed & supplies, etc., he might be more eager to make his appearance.

I am trying my best to slow down in preparation for his arrival but it has not yet been possible - between meeting frequently with the midwife & doula, finishing up "maternal education" classes, animating two junior youth groups, weekly Ruhi, last minute baby shopping and seeing family, there just has not been a moment to rest. Maybe this is for the better...

The sunset one night.

Getting started with junior youth in El Vendrell...

...requires A LOT of time, planning, organizing and effort!

A core group of us have been working tirelessly in the past month to open a junior youth group and every day it seems we are closer and closer.  

We started with planning at the youth conference in Madrid last month. Immediately following, we met again and created a more step by step plan of action. We invited our friends to become animators and offered a study of books 1 and 5. We invited friends from other communities to help us conduct outreach in our neighborhood to invite junior youth and help us plan/prepare for our first sessions. Now we have met with some 12 junior youth four times and we have another group of 8-10 that wants to form too, with whom we have met twice.

At the moment, Kilian and I are the only two trained animators with two more going through books 1 and 5. Our challenge will be to fortify the youth and consolidate the junior youth so that we have enough resources to have and sustain two junior youth groups. 

Every day we are learning something new about this process.