Homebirth: A Father's Experience - Guest Post by Kilian

In follow up to my post on our homebirth, my husband wrote down his views:

Even though hospitals often treat birth as if it were an illness, Catalans see hospital birth as the only option for childbirth. This is in part due to the fact that it’s covered by the social security and the lack of education on other options. There are a small number of women working towards increasing awareness around the benefits of natural birth and home birth, but these options have not yet entered into the general consciousness of the population. Even if a woman learns about these other options, there is still a culture of fear around them, which greatly impacts the level of support and encouragement she receives from her husband, family and friends.

A lot has been written about this and I hope that the conversation grows in my country as well. What I want to share today, however, is how much of a difference the birth experience can make for the father. I am now able to say that the birth of our son—the whole process—is the single best experience of my life.

The truth is that when my wife first mentioned the idea of home birth I was open to learning about it, but I was concerned about the associated risks and costs. We purchased the book Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and I can't recommend it enough. Reading it with my wife during the pregnancy, I understood that the hospital was a risk and even a threat for the well-being and happiness of my family, and gradually assumed that paying for a home birth would be necessary for a safe, respectful and joyful birth experience. This book helped us prepare emotionally, which I think was fundamental in creating such a positively impactful birth experience that we thankfully had.

My wife and I were eagerly awaiting that event, preparing not only emotionally but also spiritually and materially—purchasing the stroller and so many tiny clothes really made it feel real. The day before the due date, she woke me up in a very nice way and asked, in a sweet voice, if I had slept well, and casually mentioned that she had been having what seemed to be contractions for a while. We decided to wait a little bit before calling the midwife. I figured I should use the little time before she arrived and before the contractions became stronger to have breakfast; I would certainly need to be well fed if I wanted to be of any help during labor.

I accompanied my wife during the entire labor. This included massaging and applying pressure on her lower back, encouraging her and just being with her and being available for her in whatever way necessary. She was strong and calm, so it was not hard to be calm as well. I already knew that, whatever happened, one of my main roles was to remain tranquil.

Massaging her was hard work—you have to be ready to adopt extreme postures—, but I felt the effort I was making was nothing compared to hers, and I was so happy to be able to provide some help or comfort for her and our baby. I felt that the three of us—my wife, our baby and I—were working together, with very different roles, for a supreme goal. It was such a spiritual experience that the hours just passed, one after the other, with the consciousness that every minute and every effort was leading us to holding a baby that would change our lives in every way and bring incalculable amounts of happiness.

The birth advanced gradually and the awaited moment eventually arrived. I was able to see my son's very dark hair, then his head, and then my wife held him, grabbing him herself as he came out. It was certainly a moment dominated by strong emotions. There he was, with us, communicating by crying, elevating our nine months relationship to a whole new level. When we had a moment alone I whispered the following verse three times into each ear (one ear in English and the other in Catalan):

“Verily thou hast come by the command of God! Thou hast appeared to speak of Him, and thou hast been created to serve Him, who is the Dear, the Beloved!”

Another element that contributed to the successful birth experience was our family. They had been helping all day by providing food, filling the birthing pool, praying, and showing a great deal of patience by sacrificing the whole top floor of the house, where the labor took place, and much more. My wife’s mom was flying from the US when she went into labor and arrived to our place about an hour after the birth. Once we were all cleaned up and the midwife had left, we called them all into the room and we all sang a few beautiful and spiritual songs that our son seemed to love. It really was a loving and happy atmosphere. The perfect start.

Welcome to the world, Wendell Roc!

Musical devotions with our family

Enjoying our first hours together

Mistaken Beliefs and Taking Responsibility

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the concept of taking responsibility for one's life and all that it entails. Shoghi Effendi reminds us that:

Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being "perfect as our heavenly father is perfect" and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy.

In general, as a concept in society, it seems that people don't realize their own potential or their own power over who they are. It is as if they are just subject to the various forces around them. For example, if someone is mean to them, the assumed appropriate response is to be mean back. This assumption or belief in "an eye for an eye" does at least two things: 1, is that it makes the individual's behavior dependent on the actions of others, rendering them weak and powerless to external forces beyond their control (e.g. someone else's behavior) and 2, it nurtures a sense of entitlement and justification for retaliating.  The person perpetrating the wrong-doing is the one wronged, not the person who receives the bad action and it baffles me that often we see the wronged one commit another wrong in return, the victim of both an external force and the hurt ego.

Another example we often see is within the young people around us who behave in ways that are aligned with what their family, friends, community, teachers say to them or believe about them. Often times, the adults in their life have very low and negative standards for these young people, expecting the worst from them. We then see the youth act out in negative ways which goes on to perpetuate the negative beliefs around them. There seems to be little hope for escaping the cycle and ever more frequently, there are articles about this problematic age group in the media as well as stories of ever more appalling behavior from them.

Both of these examples just scratch the surface on this issue which is based on one or more mistaken beliefs that create negative results in the lives of those who believe in them. In both examples, these beliefs seem to be the result of poor education - people just don't know better and most likely, their parents taught it to them because most likely, they didn't know any better either.

Living life in this way is not living an authentic life and it is not taking responsibility for who you are and who you want to be. The Bahá’í Writings explain:

We must not be content with simply following a certain course because we find our fathers pursued that course. It is the duty of everyone to investigate reality, and investigation of reality by another will not do for us... Ideas and beliefs left by his fathers and ancestors as a heritage will not suffice, for adherence to these are but imitations and imitations have ever been a cause of disappointment and misguidance. Be investigators of reality, that you may attain the verity of truth and life. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

The beliefs of our forefathers or of those around us do not necessarily reflect the truth about reality or the nature of life. When we continue down a path of believing in ideas such as "an eye for an eye" or "teenagers are rebellious and unruly" we are propagating negative beliefs in our society and culture that are based on fiction. We are doing ourselves, our peers and our children a disservice. To me, this is one manifestation of not taking responsibility.  We can look at some other writings from the Bahá’í Faith to gain insights into what it then means to take responsibility for oneself:

Each human creature has individual endowment, power and responsibility in the creative plan of God. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

Unto each one hath been prescribed a pre-ordained measure...All that which ye potentially possess can, however, be manifested only as a result of your own volition. Your own acts testify to this truth. - Bahá'u'lláh

Man is the supreme Talisman. Lack of a proper education hath, however, deprived him of that which he doth inherently possess... Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom.  - Bahá'u'lláh

The reality of man is his thought, not his material body... the power of thought is dependent on its manifestation in deeds. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

I charge you all that each one of you concentrate all the thoughts of your heart on love and unity. When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love. Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content. - 'Abdu'l-Bahá

This last writing is of particular importance to this discussion. 'Abdu'l-Bahá says, "Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content." This concept is not limited to the literal concept of war, but rather any negative thought one might have. Since we know that we can control and change our thoughts and beliefs, we can see an enormous power that rests within each one of us. I may not have the power to change someone else's beliefs, but by changing my own, I can make an impact on the world. And if I change my thoughts, even better since often our thoughts are informed by our beliefs. And if I change both my beliefs and thoughts, which then inform my actions, I'm not only improving my own life, but I am creating positive change all around - in my family, friendships, community, work and society. It's the responsibility of each and everyone of us to take charge of our destinies, of who we are and who we want to be. Rumi says:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.