An Offering: A Very Personal Post

My life has been disconnected for some years now and I feel sad about it.

I am a person who longs for and needs connection, meaningful relationships and love.

I had some tests a while back that were so great that I withdrew socially and emotionally because I was overwhelmed by their complexity and did not know how to remain connected to those I loved while dealing with them. As a result, I’m sure I hurt those friends who did not know or were not able to understand what weight I was carrying.

Now here I am, years later, emerging anew, and my old self shed. I am as a perennial blossoming fresh from a long, harsh winter in the early spring soil, still tender but strong. I do not know if those wilted relationships have the strength to endure, although I hope they do.

This disconnection deepened also because I moved to a foreign country where I didn’t know anyone and have still yet to form a sense of connection, a community where I feel I belong. In many ways I feel hardened and apathetic, but I know this is just due to years of feeling apathy, judgment, condescension and indifference towards me. This made it even more challenging to overcome those aforementioned tests, adapt to a new social and cultural reality and have energy left to form bonds and new relationships.

I long for the warmth of love and connection to help me bounce back to social, joyful ol’ me. I miss opening my house to friends and strangers and trying to help people feel happy and welcome. I miss showing love to people; that was so characteristically part of my identity and something I considered as one of my strengths. Lacking community and friendship means I don’t have people with whom I can care for and express love to on a regular basis.

Please let me know if you are interested in starting over with me.

With love,

Ashley

4 Months & Finding A Home

We are back in Catalonia after a nice month in the United States. Roc has just turned four months old and we are actively looking for a home for our little family.

Yay! I'm four months.

You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to find a place here. Three of our biggest challenges are that Kilian works full-time, we are an hour car ride from where we want to live and we don't have a car (or driver's license). Translation: we are dependent on someone to drive us outside of Kilian's working hours – not exactly the winning combination if you are seriously intent on finding a place. Kilian took two days off last week and we saw a number of places, but none of them were quite right.

So we are back to the drawing board, searching for other options and contacting more companies. Hopefully we can schedule another round of visits and be in a new place soon.
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My hands are tasty!

Meanwhile, Roc is growing up quickly (no surprise there). His hand-eye coordination is improving daily which means he can really get his hands and toys and my hair to his mouth quite easily. And his mouth is his everything at the moment.

The cloth diapers are so thick that he cries every time he is on his tummy (they must put too much pressure). We used disposable diapers while we traveled and found that because they are much thinner, he didn't mind tummy time. As a result, he is getting very strong, enjoying it and can almost roll over completely.

fascinated with grandpa's guitar playing

Roc has a vibrant personality. He knows what he wants, what he likes and dislikes. He loves music; it is an instant calming silencer when he is nervous, tired or upset. He has even started "playing" the piano. He likes to be held so that his feet touch the ground and he can look around.

In the last month he started losing some of his newborn hair. His new frock is quite humorous. Short on one side, long and curly on the other. He has got a little fistful front and center, and a lot back and bottom. He weighs around 17 lbs (or 7.9 kg) give or take the weight of his clothes & diaper; he has more than doubled his birth weight. We will have the official weight at our check up this week.

ready for the Super Bowl

He is very interactive and is learning how to communicate using sounds so we are having a lot more fun together. He has different sounds for different uses (I'm sure this is true for all babies). He loves interacting with people and smiling. He even laughs sometimes, which, of course, is so cute.

He is able to entertain himself a bit which means I can make food, fold laundry, use the computer while he is in his bouncy chair. This is very helpful for me as soon I will be managing my own household and will have a lot more work to do while educating Roc.

It is really an exciting time for our family and we are enjoying this time with Roc.

Snapshots from Seattle

We just returned home from a month in Seattle, visiting with family and friends. It was an amazing trip. I am already missing so many things from home: my mom and her home, the copious amounts of comfort food, the convenience culture (overnight grocery delivery, 6 hour dry-cleaning, Starbucks drive thru, Thai food delivery, ready-made food bar at Whole Foods), online shopping and shopping at Bellevue Square, Quiltworks Northwest and my sewing machine, our friends, etc. Here are a few of the highlights from Seattle:

We arrived in time to celebrate Christmas with my mom.

Meanwhile, my mom dressed up Roc as Santa Claus. She is radiant, overflowing with happiness that we were there.

We had an impromptu BWC reunion brunch at Cafe Flora on Madison. Good times with wonderful friends.

We supported the Seattle Seahawks during the playoffs. #12thman

The mandatory Starbucks run – in Seahawks gear for our 12¢ brewed coffee.

Our dear Tara flew in from New York. This is her meeting Roc.

We got to see the lovely Mona for the first time in a year and a half!

Kilian and I shared some quality time.

We visited with longtime friends from the Seattle Baha'i community. We saw many more and of course forgot to take photos. We missed out a number more because of time constraints.

Roc had play dates with his baby friends.

We took naps when necessary.

Roc's great-grandmother and great-grandfather visited too, it was so beautiful to see.

Roc's great-great-aunt Peggy had a lot of fun with him.

We saw Mount Rainier and finally had a family photo taken.

We went to the park when the weather allowed (Kerry Park on Queen Anne).

We celebrated my 28th birthday in style - brunch at Tilth Restaurant in Wallingford, a favorite of mine.

We had a house full of family and friends for my birthday dinner.

If you would have told me five years ago what my life would be like today, I would not have believed you.

Working with children in Peru

Five years ago, I had just returned from a year in rural Peru, where I had been working in social and economic development. During that year, I began studying the Bahá'í Writings. What began as an intellectual query to understand the appeal of the Bahá'í Faith quickly snowballed into an all out investigation into the Bahá'í  teachings and claims. Gradually I found myself identifying with many of its teachings and principles while feeling reluctant to accept the idea of organized religion and the concept of God. 


Formally accepting the Baha'i Faith
December 27, 2008

With time, however, I could not deny the longing in my soul, a longing that had been dismissed and suppressed, time and again, because of the materialistic society in which I had been raised that praised self-serving behavior, extreme individualism, and rigid rejection of religion. My spiritual nature had in part been ignored because I personally couldn't believe in a God that judged, punished and humiliated His subjects or in religion when religious institutions consistently failed to live by the teachings they themselves espoused and where any "educated" or "socially-conscious" person would be socially persecuted for associating with religion and spirituality in any more direct way than claiming that they are "spiritual, but not religious." In an extreme cultural climate such as this, I navigated my life, not able to feel spiritually fulfilled nor was I religiously inclined. In this world, full of extremes on every side, it was impossible to feel like a completely whole human being. 

After traveling and living in many different countries, I began to recognize the obvious truth that humanity is one. We are one, interconnected, interdependent whole body. Hurt to one part of the body affects the whole. Violence and war in one part of the globe impacts lives in another part of the world. We are not immune. The recognition of this truth is key to living a meaningful life—and was a major factor in my own spiritual awakening and transformation.


Over the course of a few years, I read a bit on different religious traditions but it wasn't until I studied the Bahá'í teachings that I felt I found a complete, well-rounded, no nonsense body of spiritual and practical life guidance. Five years ago, when I formally accepted the Bahá'í Faith it was only the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of a spiritually empowering and transforming process that has brought me further in life than I could have ever imagined it would. 

With my husband at the Baha'i World Centre in Haifa, Israel


I would have never imagined that within the last five years, I would have spent half of that time as a volunteer in the Holy Land, serving at the administrative and spiritual center of the Bahá'í Faith. I would have never imagined that I would be married to an incredibly loving man from Catalonia and that we would have a sweet son. I would have never imagined how much capacity I had to transform—how much personal growth I would have accomplished. There is so much beauty, harmony, grace, and love in my life. All of these blessings are from the grace of God.* 

The three of us

What has transpired over these five years continually confirms the decision I made five years ago when I accepted with my whole heart and soul the teachings. The road has not been easy as it is the one less traveled. As the poet Robert Frost once finely wrote:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

*To anyone who doesn't believe in God, I know this could potentially sound "crazy", "irrational", etc. I was just like you most of my life. And your reasoning is most likely incredibly valid, depending on the framework from which you are operating and how you define and understand the word "God." Even if you never end up agreeing or believing, I encourage you to seek to understand why anyone would choose this path, not for yourself so much as it will provide you with a greater worldview and perspective that will come in handy throughout your life.

Baby's Second Month

Our darling baby boy has completed his second month of life!

I'm two months old!

Here's a little bit of how he has grown this past month:

• He has become a more efficient eater, with almost all feedings taking less than 15 minutes.
• He has gained quite a bit of weight (just over 1 kg or 2.4 lbs) and is now almost entirely in 3-6 month clothes. 
• He discovered his hand and how good it tastes. He hasn't quite figured out how to hold it to his mouth or how to get it there every time, but he is on his way to becoming a thumb-sucker!
  
• With his hand, he now grabs on to things – long hair, clothing, jewelry, etc. – and therefore we have to be careful with what is available for him to hold grab.
• He can hold his head up for periods of time and turn it. He has a preferred side though, looking to his left, and we have a hard time getting him to look to the right.
• We started putting him in a bouncy chair which he really loves and will often complain when we take him out. 
  
• He learned how to cry/scream. We bought him his first pacifier (so sad I know!) which help calms him and we have found he likes it a little too much.
• In the last two weeks, he became much more alert, started smiling and making the googly-gaga sounds that babies make. He often does this in response to us, but mostly for his Grandma Gloria. It is not a given  – it is still touch-n-go – and of course, he won't let us capture it on camera!
  
• His eyelashes went from blond and short to brown and long!
• Unless he is very tired, holding him close to the body is a no-no. He wants to be free!
• He's not quite sleeping through the night as he's still eating every three hours. With shorter feedings though, it is not that bad. 
• I posted this before and it continues to be true: he LOVES bath time.

Roc's First Month

Our baby is one month old today and what a month it has been! Our little guy is growing so fast (I know, not a surprise) and we are struggling to slow down the time so we can make the most of every minute.

At birth and at one month

Roc's first two weeks of life were surrounded by immediate and extended family. My mom was here from the US and different members of Kilian's family were visiting us almost daily. I was in a hormone-induced and sleep-deprived daze for most of it. My body was physically recovering from nine months of pregnancy and the requirements of giving birth while a heavy dosage of postpartum hormones were creating a state of pure ecstasy for me emotionally. It was a strange combination that made me feel capable of doing more than I should have been doing, i.e. socializing with family, going out, walking, not taking enough naps, etc. during that first week or two. Looking back, I realize I should have asked less from myself than I did at that time.

After the excitement of the first weeks died down and I started to feel more myself again, both physically and emotionally, I have been trying to understand my baby better and establish some sort of routine, which hasn't really been possible. Roc doesn't have a pattern yet; he's changing very rapidly. The first weeks, he slept all the time with long feedings every 3-4-5 hours. Now he spends his mornings awake, with short feedings every 30-60 minutes, meaning that I am occupied with him from 7 or 8 until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It is very hard work! He then falls asleep in the afternoon and usually sleeps continuously with short breaks for feeding until the next day, unless his stomach is bothering him - then he doesn't sleep at all.

"Hey! I'm one month old!"

He is not a crier; he is a grunter. He is pretty mellow, calm, patient and content. He doesn't get upset or fussy from being with a large number of people or around loud noises. For example, the night he was born, we had some 7 or 8 people in the room playing guitar and singing to him. He may or may not have even noticed. The next day, there were probably double that number of people in the house, wanting to hold him and just a great deal of commotion. No problem for Roc. There have been a number of situations where either he completely sleeps through various loud noises or is completely unfazed by lots of people. In general, he does not complain much and he loves when people sing to him.

My husband and I are completely exhausted while also full of joy and love, which helps us through the days and nights. The nights are not as bad as I thought they would be but successive days (and weeks) of inadequate sleep starts to affect you, whether you like or not. We typically will get a total of 5-6 hours of sleep per night, but it is usually punctuated with a couple of feedings and possibly a diaper change. A few nights ago, we got 6.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was glorious! But that was only once.

Roc's grown so much that he is already out of most of his newborn clothes and starting to fit into three month clothes. I hope they continue to fit through the full three months! He is a really good eater with chunky little thighs. It's crazy to see how much he has grown in a month. He already weighs almost 5kg!

This little soul has brought so much joy and life to our home. We are all too aware of how short-lived these first months are. I try so hard to hold tight on to each moment but it just slips past, beyond grasp. It is so special to just hold him and cuddle him, to study all the details of his face in order to try to record it somewhere in memory, his smell and his gestures and all the related feelings so that in the future, more than a photo remains of these brief times.

The Surprise Baby Shower

Baby showers are an American tradition, not European, so I was kind of sad that it was something that I would not have to celebrate the impending birth of my first child. Knowing this, the women of the Catalan side of my family decided to secretly collaborate in order to make one of these possible.

They did a whole bunch of research online and figured out that baby shower's are typically themed. One of this year's trends that I have really loved is the nautical/sea theme that has popped up everywhere from clothing to quilt fabric. I love the color yellow and Kilian loves blue so they created a nautical/sea theme with yellows and blues.

In order to prepare, they had a couple of planning meetings then spent about a week - including nights ending at 4AM preparing many of the handmade decoration and foods. Kilian's aunt is a graphic designer who loves creating beautiful baked goods such as cakes, cupcakes, and cookies with intricate designs so she helped show the others how to make onesie-shaped cookies and sailboat shaped snacks. They made a number of different finger foods, including a double-layer cake.

The cake from above

Cake detail

There were a number of different games that we played, one of which required me to taste all sorts of different baby foods and guess their flavors- disgusting but hilarious! I will not have my baby suffer through eating that stuff. Later when the men arrived, Kilian and I were both blindfolded and I got to feed him. This was also hilarious - we started with me feeding him yogurt and then switched to one of the nasty baby foods (I think some sort of fish concoction). Poor guy! He was a good sport about it though.

Leaning in, before he realizes what he is going to taste.

Afterwards, trying to get as far away as possible.

The evening was filled with such love and joy. It was really special to be able to celebrate together and to have this American tradition in Catalonia.

** When I receive the other photos, I will post more. **