An Offering: A Very Personal Post

My life has been disconnected for some years now and I feel sad about it.

I am a person who longs for and needs connection, meaningful relationships and love.

I had some tests a while back that were so great that I withdrew socially and emotionally because I was overwhelmed by their complexity and did not know how to remain connected to those I loved while dealing with them. As a result, I’m sure I hurt those friends who did not know or were not able to understand what weight I was carrying.

Now here I am, years later, emerging anew, and my old self shed. I am as a perennial blossoming fresh from a long, harsh winter in the early spring soil, still tender but strong. I do not know if those wilted relationships have the strength to endure, although I hope they do.

This disconnection deepened also because I moved to a foreign country where I didn’t know anyone and have still yet to form a sense of connection, a community where I feel I belong. In many ways I feel hardened and apathetic, but I know this is just due to years of feeling apathy, judgment, condescension and indifference towards me. This made it even more challenging to overcome those aforementioned tests, adapt to a new social and cultural reality and have energy left to form bonds and new relationships.

I long for the warmth of love and connection to help me bounce back to social, joyful ol’ me. I miss opening my house to friends and strangers and trying to help people feel happy and welcome. I miss showing love to people; that was so characteristically part of my identity and something I considered as one of my strengths. Lacking community and friendship means I don’t have people with whom I can care for and express love to on a regular basis.

Please let me know if you are interested in starting over with me.

With love,

Ashley

If you would have told me five years ago what my life would be like today, I would not have believed you.

Working with children in Peru

Five years ago, I had just returned from a year in rural Peru, where I had been working in social and economic development. During that year, I began studying the Bahá'í Writings. What began as an intellectual query to understand the appeal of the Bahá'í Faith quickly snowballed into an all out investigation into the Bahá'í  teachings and claims. Gradually I found myself identifying with many of its teachings and principles while feeling reluctant to accept the idea of organized religion and the concept of God. 


Formally accepting the Baha'i Faith
December 27, 2008

With time, however, I could not deny the longing in my soul, a longing that had been dismissed and suppressed, time and again, because of the materialistic society in which I had been raised that praised self-serving behavior, extreme individualism, and rigid rejection of religion. My spiritual nature had in part been ignored because I personally couldn't believe in a God that judged, punished and humiliated His subjects or in religion when religious institutions consistently failed to live by the teachings they themselves espoused and where any "educated" or "socially-conscious" person would be socially persecuted for associating with religion and spirituality in any more direct way than claiming that they are "spiritual, but not religious." In an extreme cultural climate such as this, I navigated my life, not able to feel spiritually fulfilled nor was I religiously inclined. In this world, full of extremes on every side, it was impossible to feel like a completely whole human being. 

After traveling and living in many different countries, I began to recognize the obvious truth that humanity is one. We are one, interconnected, interdependent whole body. Hurt to one part of the body affects the whole. Violence and war in one part of the globe impacts lives in another part of the world. We are not immune. The recognition of this truth is key to living a meaningful life—and was a major factor in my own spiritual awakening and transformation.


Over the course of a few years, I read a bit on different religious traditions but it wasn't until I studied the Bahá'í teachings that I felt I found a complete, well-rounded, no nonsense body of spiritual and practical life guidance. Five years ago, when I formally accepted the Bahá'í Faith it was only the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of a spiritually empowering and transforming process that has brought me further in life than I could have ever imagined it would. 

With my husband at the Baha'i World Centre in Haifa, Israel


I would have never imagined that within the last five years, I would have spent half of that time as a volunteer in the Holy Land, serving at the administrative and spiritual center of the Bahá'í Faith. I would have never imagined that I would be married to an incredibly loving man from Catalonia and that we would have a sweet son. I would have never imagined how much capacity I had to transform—how much personal growth I would have accomplished. There is so much beauty, harmony, grace, and love in my life. All of these blessings are from the grace of God.* 

The three of us

What has transpired over these five years continually confirms the decision I made five years ago when I accepted with my whole heart and soul the teachings. The road has not been easy as it is the one less traveled. As the poet Robert Frost once finely wrote:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

*To anyone who doesn't believe in God, I know this could potentially sound "crazy", "irrational", etc. I was just like you most of my life. And your reasoning is most likely incredibly valid, depending on the framework from which you are operating and how you define and understand the word "God." Even if you never end up agreeing or believing, I encourage you to seek to understand why anyone would choose this path, not for yourself so much as it will provide you with a greater worldview and perspective that will come in handy throughout your life.

Finding the Time

Finding the time to sit calmly, reflect and write down my thoughts is not something I have a lot of time for these days - as much as I might benefit from it. Although my baby sleeps a lot, there is never a guarantee for how long he will sleep. Any time between 30 minutes to four hours is normal and this usually depends on his digestion.

Love my baby.

These days, he has found the most peace and tranquility from sleeping on me, usually around my chest where he can stay warm and feel my heartbeat. Since he normally wakes if I try to lay him down on a bed, in his crib, in his stroller, or on any surface that is not his mom, I have my hands full and have a hard time getting anything done whether it be eating, brushing my teeth, reading or writing. I say all this with the sweetness of love and affection, full of the Oxytocin that is being constantly released from my motherly body.

Roc's first bath - look at that happy baby!

Needless to say, we have yet to create a daily schedule. The most consistency we have found are the baths we give him at night, which he absolutely loves. During his bath time, his face is completely contented, his muscles relaxed, his body calm, his eyes alert and at times, playful. He becomes incredibly upset when bath time is over. The poor guy gets himself so worked up that it takes another hour just to calm him down. We haven't yet figured out how to overcome this part.

The lack of consistency was the most difficult in the first weeks when I was more accustomed to my pre-mama lifestyle. Now that I have been in baby world for 6+ weeks, I am becoming more and more comfortable with the unpredictability of it all which is making it actually easier for me to predict how things will go and therefore have more realistic expectations for myself and for life, making the journey a lot more fun.

It's true a baby will change your perspective on just about everything. There will be less time for you and more opportunity for things to go not-as-planned. What makes it so beautiful is what can be learned, gained and developed, such as compassion towards oneself and others, detachment from more material attainments as well as its ability to open the eyes to the reality and power of parenthood, outside from which cannot be even partially grasped or understood. In some ways, I feel much less pressure on myself than I did before and this creates a sense of contentment, joy and bliss while at the same time I'm feeling the anxiety of being in a state of the unlearned, inexperienced which only time, practice and patience can overcome.

This kind of attitude is only possible by being open to it. We have the choice - we can resist the inconsistency, fighting for routine, time for oneself, for keeping the clothes clean, dry and spit-up free, or embracing wholeheartedly, the package that is parenthood. And this choice will impact the well-being of the whole family, for better or worse. It's not just about the work/life balance but also about the baby/mama/papa care balance that's important. Everyone's needs have to be met; the only ones who have the power to change what they consider needs are the parents. With our ability to be flexible, we are able to be available for our babies and to give so much more. Thank God for that!

I'd love to write more but the baby calls. Until next time...

He loves sleeping on mommy.

Becoming a Mom: Awesomeness & Challenges

Becoming a mom has been awesome to say the least. It has brought a contentment which I have never before known, one that comes from deep within; it's grounding. Despite feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy at times, I feel a sense of confidence in the process - the process of learning how to be a mom to my son, the process of a life of service which requires daily effort, steadfastness, patience and resignation:

"It is not through lip-service only that the elect of God have attained to holiness, but by patient lives of active service they have brought light into the world."

There is no such thing as instant gratification in parenting and I love the implied constancy, both steady and firm, required in this long-term society-building process a.k.a. child-rearing.

Content

This is a time to be cherished and enjoyed, in spite of it being the most challenging task I have ever been called on to do. It has to be cherished now because it is so short-lived and there is no other time in which it can be cherished. Babies grow and change rapidly, at the blink of an eye. If I am not present in this moment, I'll have all these memories of regret for completely missing.the.point. I hope I can embody the following words of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá for my son:

"If I love you, I need not continually speak of my love—you will know without any words. On the other hand if I love you not, that also will you know—and you would not believe me, were I to tell you in a thousand words, that I loved you." 

Peaceful sweetness

As wonderful as this parenthood thing can be, it is not simple or easy. Here are a few reasons becoming a mom is challenging (I think for anyone):

1. No one thinks clearly when they are exhausted - and being exhausted is unavoidable when you become a mom. It not only affects mood and emotions, but it also creates cravings for caffeine and sweets - not a good combo.
2. Hunger leads to low blood sugar, crankiness and increased exhaustion. Thankfully, we have help here but there are mornings where I don't have breakfast until noon and those mornings are rough. Being hungry (and sleep deprived) tests one's capacity to manifest virtues such as patience and kindness which a new mom really needs. A breastfeeding mom needs to be very well-nourished since it takes lots of energy to feed a baby. If we didn't have help, I'm not sure if my husband or I would be fed.
3. Hormones - our bodies are just pumping out high levels of hormones.
4. Learning, in general, is not an easy process and more so when you are exhausted and hungry and your trial and error experiments take place on an innocent, helpless child. Fun combination, or not. Children don't come with an instruction manual and every single one is unique. There is no such thing as copy and paste.
5. It's a major lifestyle change. Overnight you go from taking care of yourself and your needs, living the way you please, putting yourself and maybe your husband first to becoming a 24/7 caregiver. This implies many, many changes on behalf of both parents and requires a great deal of sacrifice. This is no easy feat and not one you can really prepare for but as cliche as it sounds, it really is worth it. 

There are definitely days when the combination of these factors make me incredibly moody and short-tempered. These are the moments of personal growth. When I find myself in those moments, I remind myself of why self-acceptance - love, compassion, detachment - is so fundamental to being a mom. Rather than criticize or judge, I remind myself that I'll become better with time and I ask for help. It is the only way to not feel completely overwhelmed by the learning curve in front of me.

Happy little boy

One final thought:
Something I have found that is unhelpful for me relates to many (not all) mom blogs on major sites that happen to be very opinionated (I guess that is how they sell) and as a result, leave a reader feeling either in camp "I agree" or camp "I disagree" which can leave a woman feeling criticized, judged or alone. The only advice I can give on this: stay away from these types of polarizing attitudes (if you can), be wary of what you read on parenting, motherhood, etc. and stay positive. We are living in a strange world and many folks are looking for direction on just about every possible subject matter from almost anywhere.
*If you happen to know of any uplifting mom blogs, I would love to hear from you. I enjoy hearing about and gaining insights from experiences of other moms. We are all in this together.*