4 Months & Finding A Home

We are back in Catalonia after a nice month in the United States. Roc has just turned four months old and we are actively looking for a home for our little family.

Yay! I'm four months.

You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to find a place here. Three of our biggest challenges are that Kilian works full-time, we are an hour car ride from where we want to live and we don't have a car (or driver's license). Translation: we are dependent on someone to drive us outside of Kilian's working hours – not exactly the winning combination if you are seriously intent on finding a place. Kilian took two days off last week and we saw a number of places, but none of them were quite right.

So we are back to the drawing board, searching for other options and contacting more companies. Hopefully we can schedule another round of visits and be in a new place soon.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My hands are tasty!

Meanwhile, Roc is growing up quickly (no surprise there). His hand-eye coordination is improving daily which means he can really get his hands and toys and my hair to his mouth quite easily. And his mouth is his everything at the moment.

The cloth diapers are so thick that he cries every time he is on his tummy (they must put too much pressure). We used disposable diapers while we traveled and found that because they are much thinner, he didn't mind tummy time. As a result, he is getting very strong, enjoying it and can almost roll over completely.

fascinated with grandpa's guitar playing

Roc has a vibrant personality. He knows what he wants, what he likes and dislikes. He loves music; it is an instant calming silencer when he is nervous, tired or upset. He has even started "playing" the piano. He likes to be held so that his feet touch the ground and he can look around.

In the last month he started losing some of his newborn hair. His new frock is quite humorous. Short on one side, long and curly on the other. He has got a little fistful front and center, and a lot back and bottom. He weighs around 17 lbs (or 7.9 kg) give or take the weight of his clothes & diaper; he has more than doubled his birth weight. We will have the official weight at our check up this week.

ready for the Super Bowl

He is very interactive and is learning how to communicate using sounds so we are having a lot more fun together. He has different sounds for different uses (I'm sure this is true for all babies). He loves interacting with people and smiling. He even laughs sometimes, which, of course, is so cute.

He is able to entertain himself a bit which means I can make food, fold laundry, use the computer while he is in his bouncy chair. This is very helpful for me as soon I will be managing my own household and will have a lot more work to do while educating Roc.

It is really an exciting time for our family and we are enjoying this time with Roc.

If you would have told me five years ago what my life would be like today, I would not have believed you.

Working with children in Peru

Five years ago, I had just returned from a year in rural Peru, where I had been working in social and economic development. During that year, I began studying the Bahá'í Writings. What began as an intellectual query to understand the appeal of the Bahá'í Faith quickly snowballed into an all out investigation into the Bahá'í  teachings and claims. Gradually I found myself identifying with many of its teachings and principles while feeling reluctant to accept the idea of organized religion and the concept of God. 


Formally accepting the Baha'i Faith
December 27, 2008

With time, however, I could not deny the longing in my soul, a longing that had been dismissed and suppressed, time and again, because of the materialistic society in which I had been raised that praised self-serving behavior, extreme individualism, and rigid rejection of religion. My spiritual nature had in part been ignored because I personally couldn't believe in a God that judged, punished and humiliated His subjects or in religion when religious institutions consistently failed to live by the teachings they themselves espoused and where any "educated" or "socially-conscious" person would be socially persecuted for associating with religion and spirituality in any more direct way than claiming that they are "spiritual, but not religious." In an extreme cultural climate such as this, I navigated my life, not able to feel spiritually fulfilled nor was I religiously inclined. In this world, full of extremes on every side, it was impossible to feel like a completely whole human being. 

After traveling and living in many different countries, I began to recognize the obvious truth that humanity is one. We are one, interconnected, interdependent whole body. Hurt to one part of the body affects the whole. Violence and war in one part of the globe impacts lives in another part of the world. We are not immune. The recognition of this truth is key to living a meaningful life—and was a major factor in my own spiritual awakening and transformation.


Over the course of a few years, I read a bit on different religious traditions but it wasn't until I studied the Bahá'í teachings that I felt I found a complete, well-rounded, no nonsense body of spiritual and practical life guidance. Five years ago, when I formally accepted the Bahá'í Faith it was only the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of a spiritually empowering and transforming process that has brought me further in life than I could have ever imagined it would. 

With my husband at the Baha'i World Centre in Haifa, Israel


I would have never imagined that within the last five years, I would have spent half of that time as a volunteer in the Holy Land, serving at the administrative and spiritual center of the Bahá'í Faith. I would have never imagined that I would be married to an incredibly loving man from Catalonia and that we would have a sweet son. I would have never imagined how much capacity I had to transform—how much personal growth I would have accomplished. There is so much beauty, harmony, grace, and love in my life. All of these blessings are from the grace of God.* 

The three of us

What has transpired over these five years continually confirms the decision I made five years ago when I accepted with my whole heart and soul the teachings. The road has not been easy as it is the one less traveled. As the poet Robert Frost once finely wrote:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

*To anyone who doesn't believe in God, I know this could potentially sound "crazy", "irrational", etc. I was just like you most of my life. And your reasoning is most likely incredibly valid, depending on the framework from which you are operating and how you define and understand the word "God." Even if you never end up agreeing or believing, I encourage you to seek to understand why anyone would choose this path, not for yourself so much as it will provide you with a greater worldview and perspective that will come in handy throughout your life.

Mama's Top 5 Accomplishments during Baby's Second Month

My top five accomplishments during Roc's second month of life. Having a newborn is not easy and here is the proof in five small, big achievements:

1. We went to Tarragona, the provincial capital, to turn in the required papers for my Spanish residency card. This only took about 6 hours of our day. In a few days time, we will be able to go pick it up.
2. We completed the paperwork for and went to Barcelona to register Roc's birth and apply for a US passport and social security number. A few weeks later, we went back to pick everything up! Both times, we took advantage of being in the big city to do some much-needed shopping.
3. I slowly started exercising again, though not consistently since it hasn't been possible. I have been doing makeshift aerobics in our little bedroom to get my heart rate up and to sweat some. I've mixed this with yoga poses to stretch and strengthen my tense muscles. I wish I could do this every day!
4. I have spent some hours learning how to drive a manual transmission. It gave me great anxiety at first, especially since I was trying to start in third gear (not recommended). With each drive, I am becoming more confident. The next step will be to get my Spanish driver's license, which may require driving lessons (depends on if required by the state) and taking both a written and practical exam. Fun!
5. I learned how to iron well, which I must admit, is quite exciting. Since everything down to underwear and towels are ironed here, I figured it was time to learn. It is quite a time consuming activity; it is easy to spend hours ironing with achieving very little. The hardest part is seeing something freshly ironed fall victim to baby spit-up. C'est la vie! 

Of the above-mentioned activities, four of five (exercise-excluded) would not have been possible without the assistance of Gloria, my amazing mother-in-law, who has been sacrificing many hours and days to help these things get accomplished.

Baby's Second Month

Our darling baby boy has completed his second month of life!

I'm two months old!

Here's a little bit of how he has grown this past month:

• He has become a more efficient eater, with almost all feedings taking less than 15 minutes.
• He has gained quite a bit of weight (just over 1 kg or 2.4 lbs) and is now almost entirely in 3-6 month clothes. 
• He discovered his hand and how good it tastes. He hasn't quite figured out how to hold it to his mouth or how to get it there every time, but he is on his way to becoming a thumb-sucker!
  
• With his hand, he now grabs on to things – long hair, clothing, jewelry, etc. – and therefore we have to be careful with what is available for him to hold grab.
• He can hold his head up for periods of time and turn it. He has a preferred side though, looking to his left, and we have a hard time getting him to look to the right.
• We started putting him in a bouncy chair which he really loves and will often complain when we take him out. 
  
• He learned how to cry/scream. We bought him his first pacifier (so sad I know!) which help calms him and we have found he likes it a little too much.
• In the last two weeks, he became much more alert, started smiling and making the googly-gaga sounds that babies make. He often does this in response to us, but mostly for his Grandma Gloria. It is not a given  – it is still touch-n-go – and of course, he won't let us capture it on camera!
  
• His eyelashes went from blond and short to brown and long!
• Unless he is very tired, holding him close to the body is a no-no. He wants to be free!
• He's not quite sleeping through the night as he's still eating every three hours. With shorter feedings though, it is not that bad. 
• I posted this before and it continues to be true: he LOVES bath time.

Becoming a Mom: Awesomeness & Challenges

Becoming a mom has been awesome to say the least. It has brought a contentment which I have never before known, one that comes from deep within; it's grounding. Despite feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy at times, I feel a sense of confidence in the process - the process of learning how to be a mom to my son, the process of a life of service which requires daily effort, steadfastness, patience and resignation:

"It is not through lip-service only that the elect of God have attained to holiness, but by patient lives of active service they have brought light into the world."

There is no such thing as instant gratification in parenting and I love the implied constancy, both steady and firm, required in this long-term society-building process a.k.a. child-rearing.

Content

This is a time to be cherished and enjoyed, in spite of it being the most challenging task I have ever been called on to do. It has to be cherished now because it is so short-lived and there is no other time in which it can be cherished. Babies grow and change rapidly, at the blink of an eye. If I am not present in this moment, I'll have all these memories of regret for completely missing.the.point. I hope I can embody the following words of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá for my son:

"If I love you, I need not continually speak of my love—you will know without any words. On the other hand if I love you not, that also will you know—and you would not believe me, were I to tell you in a thousand words, that I loved you." 

Peaceful sweetness

As wonderful as this parenthood thing can be, it is not simple or easy. Here are a few reasons becoming a mom is challenging (I think for anyone):

1. No one thinks clearly when they are exhausted - and being exhausted is unavoidable when you become a mom. It not only affects mood and emotions, but it also creates cravings for caffeine and sweets - not a good combo.
2. Hunger leads to low blood sugar, crankiness and increased exhaustion. Thankfully, we have help here but there are mornings where I don't have breakfast until noon and those mornings are rough. Being hungry (and sleep deprived) tests one's capacity to manifest virtues such as patience and kindness which a new mom really needs. A breastfeeding mom needs to be very well-nourished since it takes lots of energy to feed a baby. If we didn't have help, I'm not sure if my husband or I would be fed.
3. Hormones - our bodies are just pumping out high levels of hormones.
4. Learning, in general, is not an easy process and more so when you are exhausted and hungry and your trial and error experiments take place on an innocent, helpless child. Fun combination, or not. Children don't come with an instruction manual and every single one is unique. There is no such thing as copy and paste.
5. It's a major lifestyle change. Overnight you go from taking care of yourself and your needs, living the way you please, putting yourself and maybe your husband first to becoming a 24/7 caregiver. This implies many, many changes on behalf of both parents and requires a great deal of sacrifice. This is no easy feat and not one you can really prepare for but as cliche as it sounds, it really is worth it. 

There are definitely days when the combination of these factors make me incredibly moody and short-tempered. These are the moments of personal growth. When I find myself in those moments, I remind myself of why self-acceptance - love, compassion, detachment - is so fundamental to being a mom. Rather than criticize or judge, I remind myself that I'll become better with time and I ask for help. It is the only way to not feel completely overwhelmed by the learning curve in front of me.

Happy little boy

One final thought:
Something I have found that is unhelpful for me relates to many (not all) mom blogs on major sites that happen to be very opinionated (I guess that is how they sell) and as a result, leave a reader feeling either in camp "I agree" or camp "I disagree" which can leave a woman feeling criticized, judged or alone. The only advice I can give on this: stay away from these types of polarizing attitudes (if you can), be wary of what you read on parenting, motherhood, etc. and stay positive. We are living in a strange world and many folks are looking for direction on just about every possible subject matter from almost anywhere.
*If you happen to know of any uplifting mom blogs, I would love to hear from you. I enjoy hearing about and gaining insights from experiences of other moms. We are all in this together.*

Roc's First Month

Our baby is one month old today and what a month it has been! Our little guy is growing so fast (I know, not a surprise) and we are struggling to slow down the time so we can make the most of every minute.

At birth and at one month

Roc's first two weeks of life were surrounded by immediate and extended family. My mom was here from the US and different members of Kilian's family were visiting us almost daily. I was in a hormone-induced and sleep-deprived daze for most of it. My body was physically recovering from nine months of pregnancy and the requirements of giving birth while a heavy dosage of postpartum hormones were creating a state of pure ecstasy for me emotionally. It was a strange combination that made me feel capable of doing more than I should have been doing, i.e. socializing with family, going out, walking, not taking enough naps, etc. during that first week or two. Looking back, I realize I should have asked less from myself than I did at that time.

After the excitement of the first weeks died down and I started to feel more myself again, both physically and emotionally, I have been trying to understand my baby better and establish some sort of routine, which hasn't really been possible. Roc doesn't have a pattern yet; he's changing very rapidly. The first weeks, he slept all the time with long feedings every 3-4-5 hours. Now he spends his mornings awake, with short feedings every 30-60 minutes, meaning that I am occupied with him from 7 or 8 until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It is very hard work! He then falls asleep in the afternoon and usually sleeps continuously with short breaks for feeding until the next day, unless his stomach is bothering him - then he doesn't sleep at all.

"Hey! I'm one month old!"

He is not a crier; he is a grunter. He is pretty mellow, calm, patient and content. He doesn't get upset or fussy from being with a large number of people or around loud noises. For example, the night he was born, we had some 7 or 8 people in the room playing guitar and singing to him. He may or may not have even noticed. The next day, there were probably double that number of people in the house, wanting to hold him and just a great deal of commotion. No problem for Roc. There have been a number of situations where either he completely sleeps through various loud noises or is completely unfazed by lots of people. In general, he does not complain much and he loves when people sing to him.

My husband and I are completely exhausted while also full of joy and love, which helps us through the days and nights. The nights are not as bad as I thought they would be but successive days (and weeks) of inadequate sleep starts to affect you, whether you like or not. We typically will get a total of 5-6 hours of sleep per night, but it is usually punctuated with a couple of feedings and possibly a diaper change. A few nights ago, we got 6.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was glorious! But that was only once.

Roc's grown so much that he is already out of most of his newborn clothes and starting to fit into three month clothes. I hope they continue to fit through the full three months! He is a really good eater with chunky little thighs. It's crazy to see how much he has grown in a month. He already weighs almost 5kg!

This little soul has brought so much joy and life to our home. We are all too aware of how short-lived these first months are. I try so hard to hold tight on to each moment but it just slips past, beyond grasp. It is so special to just hold him and cuddle him, to study all the details of his face in order to try to record it somewhere in memory, his smell and his gestures and all the related feelings so that in the future, more than a photo remains of these brief times.