We all struggle with ourselves

Some days I wake up in the worst of moods. Whether it is feeling unmotivated, worried, stressed or just low, no amount of prayer brings me up. I know that we all have choices in life and we can really choose how we react to these things. We can become a slave to emotional, circumstantial or hormonal changes or we can put them in their place and overcome them. This is a choice we have to make daily and we must always be on guard lest something prevents us from realizing our power to choose. We are not always conscious that we have control over our thoughts, feelings and moods. And even if we are conscious, the effort required to change these things may be great.  There are a couple of Writings from the Bahá'í Faith that help me during these times when I remember them and focus my attention on them:

Be not the slave of your moods, but their master. But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier load than you. - attributed to ‘Abdu’l-Bahá 

I charge you all that each one of you concentrate all the thoughts of your heart on love and unity. When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love. Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content. Thoughts of love are constructive of brotherhood, peace, friendship, and happiness. -‘Abdu’l-Bahá

We must strive to attain to that condition by being separated from all things and from the people of the world and by turning to God alone. It will take some effort on the part of man to attain to that condition, but he must work for it, strive for it. We can attain to it by thinking and caring less for material things and more for the spiritual. The further we go from the one, the nearer we are to the other. The choice is ours. -‘Abdu’l-Bahá

Watch over yourselves, for the Evil One is lying in wait, ready to entrap you. Gird yourselves against his wicked devices, and, led by the light of the name of the All-Seeing God, make your escape from the darkness that surroundeth you. Let your vision be world-embracing, rather than confined to your own self. The Evil One is he that hindereth the rise and obstructeth the spiritual progress of the children of men. - Bahá’u’lláh

Shoghi Effendi with his Grandfather, 'Abdu'l-Baha

There is a story of Shoghi Effendi, the Guardian of the Bahá'í Faith, who in his early 20's was called upon to give up his life and become the Head of the Faith. This placed a great burden on him and he took leave to the mountains of Switzerland to rest, grieve the loss of his dear Grandfather, come to terms with the fact that he had been appointed Guardian and prepare himself to take on these heavy responsibilities. It has been related that he said that "he fought with himself until he conquered himself and then he turned himself over to God and became the Guardian." (from a talk by Hand of the Cause of God, Leroy Ioas)

In the following prayer, one commits to being positive, to let go of all the negative and to put their trust in God, regardless of what is happening in one's life: 

O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.

O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.

This is something all of us must do. Whether or not we believe in God, we have to conquer ourselves in order to make progress and enjoy success in this world. We have to work hard every day in order to advance. If we want to enjoy success in our families or careers, it means we have to dedicate ourselves to these things, to becoming better, to advancing and to overcoming the inevitable obstacles that we will face. At any moment, we could feel discouraged, tired or burnt out but life requires us to overcome these feelings and challenges in order to get where we want to be. This is why it is so important to be aware of our own power to influence our own destiny - a destiny which is a consequence of our daily actions, habits and thoughts.  

Be generous in your days of plenty, and be patient in the hour of loss. Adversity is followed by success and rejoicings follow woe. Guard against idleness and sloth, and cling unto that which profiteth mankind, whether young or old, whether high or low. - Bahá’u’lláh

One final note: This is not a simple or easy thing to do. To change one's thought, feeling, habit requires daily effort, patience and discipline. It is not something that happens overnight or the first time you try. All that is being asked is that we make the effort, not that we see immediate results. I think it can be easy to become discouraged with all this talk about self-empowerment because it can seem very idealistic; unrealistic and disconnected from the reality of so many people. This is something that requires a long-term commitment and viewing our daily efforts as a long-term process. It is the baby steps that help us little by little become better over time - not one giant leap at one moment in time.

Let each morn be better than its eve and each morrow richer than its yesterday. -Bahá’u’lláh

On being 39 weeks pregnant...

As this pregnancy winds down, I feel compelled to comment on it.

It's been a pretty enjoyable journey. When I first found out I was pregnant, I really didn't know what to expect. I heard all these horror stories about women who feel so ugly, fat and uncomfortable for nine months. They put on all this weight even though they are constantly vomiting and they can't sleep or basically do anything normally. So I was a little nervous about what was to come, but thankfully, I found that I experienced it very differently.

During the first trimester, I experienced heightened hormones and hence, moodiness and headaches but did not have other pregnancy symptoms. I transitioned in to the second trimester quite smoothly. It was not until around 20 weeks (halfway) that I started to have the slightest baby bump and it was not until the sixth month that I made a complete switch into pregnancy clothes, many of which were just over-sized regular clothes. Even now at 39 weeks, people think I am in my seventh or eighth month; I feel very blessed.

It was important for me to make sure that the clothes I had during pregnancy made me feel beautiful, but that they were also practical. I also made sure to wear makeup and jewelry and spend time on my hair. It makes a difference in how one sees and feels about oneself; it's not about vanity and it's not vain!

The best investment I made for this pregnancy was in a pair of flat Clarks sandals that I could dress up or down. (It was summer. For fall/winter I would recommend a pair of awesome boots with some good support.) Yes, they were Clarks but they weren't as unattractive as expected and they made it possible for me to be on my feet, walking for hours and hours without getting tired or sore. 

I also didn't experience the said pregnancy cravings or increased appetite that many women experience. I think maintaining a healthy, balanced diet is key to preventing cravings and overeating during this time. I did need to have small healthy snacks throughout the day or my blood sugar would drop drastically and I would not be able to function too well. This was very difficult for me but it was the key. I felt like it was training or preparation for motherhood, since during motherhood you have to feed the baby (and later child) throughout the day. There have to be scheduled breaks for the little one and you have to prepare their snacks before you leave the house. Pregnancy really helps prepare you for this - as hard as it is. It requires a bit of detachment from the way you are used to living; it is a preview of what is to come.

At one point during the second trimester, I was dealing with severely dry, itchy skin. It ended up being connected to eating chocolate and drinking coffee. By significantly reducing (I don't have the power to remove these completely) these acidic, caffeinated foods from my diet, my skin recovered within a few days. Another food-related issue I had was during the seventh month. It was when my belly really started to grow and I think the pressure on my stomach and digestive track was very great. It only happened three times but three times for a week at a time is not easy. Basically, I couldn't eat or drink without severe stomach pain, diarrhea and vomiting. It was very intense and I still don't know what caused it. Thankfully, it resolved itself in the end.

One thing that saved me during this pregnancy was continuous exercise, which typically took the form of yoga and some weight training (I didn't have access to an elliptical or pool, which would have been amazing). Just 30 minutes of exercise a few times per week really increased my energy levels like nothing else and it also decreased any tightness or soreness I may have been experiencing.

In the last week or two, I have started to have a bit of swelling in general. I am much more tired than before and there is more pressure on my lower back which makes it challenging to sleep and to walk quickly. I can't complain though. This time will be very short-lived and soon our son will be here. It's been a pleasant experience, requiring patience and detachment. Patience because I have had to wait for nine months and detachment because I will experience a huge life change. I will become a mom and there is no going back to pre-mom Ashley - ever. Here is a beautiful prayer revealed by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá for this moment in time:

My Lord! My Lord! I praise Thee and I thank Thee for that whereby Thou hast favored Thine humble maidservant, Thy slave beseeching and supplicating Thee, because Thou hast verily guided her unto Thine obvious Kingdom and caused her to hear Thine exalted Call in the contingent world and to behold Thy Signs which prove the appearance of Thy victorious reign over all things.

O my Lord, I dedicate that which is in my womb unto Thee. Then cause it to be a praiseworthy child in Thy Kingdom and a fortunate one by Thy favor and Thy generosity; to develop and to grow up under the charge of Thine education. Verily, Thou art the Gracious! Verily, Thou art the Lord of Great Favor!