An Offering: A Very Personal Post

My life has been disconnected for some years now and I feel sad about it.

I am a person who longs for and needs connection, meaningful relationships and love.

I had some tests a while back that were so great that I withdrew socially and emotionally because I was overwhelmed by their complexity and did not know how to remain connected to those I loved while dealing with them. As a result, I’m sure I hurt those friends who did not know or were not able to understand what weight I was carrying.

Now here I am, years later, emerging anew, and my old self shed. I am as a perennial blossoming fresh from a long, harsh winter in the early spring soil, still tender but strong. I do not know if those wilted relationships have the strength to endure, although I hope they do.

This disconnection deepened also because I moved to a foreign country where I didn’t know anyone and have still yet to form a sense of connection, a community where I feel I belong. In many ways I feel hardened and apathetic, but I know this is just due to years of feeling apathy, judgment, condescension and indifference towards me. This made it even more challenging to overcome those aforementioned tests, adapt to a new social and cultural reality and have energy left to form bonds and new relationships.

I long for the warmth of love and connection to help me bounce back to social, joyful ol’ me. I miss opening my house to friends and strangers and trying to help people feel happy and welcome. I miss showing love to people; that was so characteristically part of my identity and something I considered as one of my strengths. Lacking community and friendship means I don’t have people with whom I can care for and express love to on a regular basis.

Please let me know if you are interested in starting over with me.

With love,

Ashley

Auden's Birth Story

Alright, so I'm finally getting around to this post...a month later. Time is racing by and I just want it to stop so we (Kilian, Roc and I) can enjoy Auden while he is still a little baby. *Sigh* But alas, time will not slow for us so we are soaking it up as much as possible, which is part of the reason it has taken me longer than I expected to get to writing Auden's birth story.

While both Roc and Auden were born at home, the birth experiences were quite different. Roc's birth lasted around 8.5 hours and Auden's was much shorter, 4.5 hours. With Roc, I woke up with contractions at 7 a.m. after a full night's rest and with Auden, I woke up at 3 a.m. after two hours of interrupted (think toddler screaming at the top of his lungs) sleep. With Roc, I pushed for about 30 minutes and with Auden, it took an hour and a half. Roc's birth was much more mental for me whereas Auden's was much more physical. The comparisons could go on and on...
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There were some hints that I might go in to labor the day before Auden's birth so we prepared by notifying our midwife and my in-laws. My mother-in-law came to spend the night with us, just in case, and my midwife and I were in contact until around midnight. She was on call for another birth and we were hoping Auden would wait until the morning so that she could be with us (rather than sending another midwife in her place).

When I woke up just before 3 a.m. to use the bathroom, I noticed a strong contraction but since I was still half-asleep, I didn't know if it was a Braxton-Hicks or a real contraction. I just ignored it and laid down to go back to sleep. While I was in the process of falling asleep, I had another contraction and decided it was worth waiting up to see if anything was happening.

At first the contractions were 10+ minutes apart and lasting around 90 seconds. It was clear that this was the beginning but it was not clear how long it would take for them to become regular and three to four minutes apart. Around 3:30 a.m., after about three contractions, I decided that Kilian should wake up and just before 4 a.m., the contractions were coming regularly every five minutes and lasting two to three minutes, with some eventually getting close to four minutes long - basically double contractions.

We called the midwife and woke up Kilian's mom. My midwife was unfortunately at another home and had to send someone else. This someone arrived about an hour later, just before 5 a.m. During this time, phone calls were made and members of the family were notified. I lost some fluids and thought it was my water breaking; I found out later that it was not. I was walking around and focusing on breathing through these intense contractions. It felt more difficult than it did with Roc. I think this is because I was still congested from a cold I had had the week before so there was lots of mucus that made deep, slow breathing hard and also because I was out of practice. I hadn't been doing yoga or meditation or any birth prep in the weeks leading up to the birth and I think my body was out of practice.

When this lady, the other midwife, arrived around 5 a.m. she found me to be exceedingly and unexpectedly calm, still completely clothed, sitting upright and laboring on the edge of the bed. I was just waiting it out. Since it took around eight hours to get to the pushing stage with Roc's birth, I figured it would be a while with Auden too. I wasn't in a hurry and couldn't gauge how long it would be with Auden. It still felt like the labor had just begun so of course I was chilled out.

But after she arrived, I noticed a change in the labor. It got more mental and physical. With Roc's birth, I was pretty much in my head the whole time - focusing on positive thoughts, trying to trust my self, my body and the whole process, trying to mitigate any fears I might have had, etc. With Auden's labor, I didn't have any apprehensions going in and I was so looking forward to going through the natural birth experience again and meeting him at the end that I was too excited to even harbor any negative thoughts or fears. However, when I started reaching transition - that critical point between the first and second stages of labor - I really noticed the mental challenges it creates. I used the full length bedroom mirror to look myself in the eyes, to reconnect to what I was doing and to smile. It felt so powerful, beautiful and exhilarating. That part was truly awesome.

About an hour after her arrival, around 6 a.m., I felt intense urges to push while at the same time feeling like I wasn't quite there yet (in terms of dilation). Thankfully at that moment, my midwife arrived and was able to coach and guide me through the next part. (Her other birth was advancing at a much slower pace than mine so she was able to make it for the most important part of mine.)

It was not obvious at first, but Auden's head was slightly tilted in such a way that he was stuck behind the pelvic bone and regardless of how much I pushed, he wouldn't move until he got around the bone. My midwife guided through me countless positions until we finally found one that worked. It took over an hour and I became very tired - some of the positions required much more force than just pushing. Some of these positions required a lot of physical effort from Kilian and his muscles were sore the following days. During this stage, it was amazing how lucid I was. There were moments in between contractions that I didn't feel like I was in labor. I would be standing upright, completely relaxed and not feeling any discomfort, even ready to talk and joke around.

After the sun rose, I finally felt Auden move into the birth canal. It was such a relief and I was so full of joy and renewed with energy. I wanted to push him all the way out at that moment but we waited. I got into a comfortable position on the bed and we allowed him to descend slowly. After a few minutes, my midwife gave me the go ahead and with a deep breath, I pushed him out in to my hands. It was 7:29 a.m.
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A few hours old

A few hours old

Winter 2015: Holidays & Birthdays

This winter was full of family! We visited Seattle for Christmas, my mom's birthday and New Year's. When we returned to Catalonia in January, we met our new niece Mey. She is a wonderful gift for our family. We celebrated many, many birthdays between December - March: Kilian's mom, my mom, Mey's birth, Kilian's grandma, Kilian's grandpa celebrated his 80th with a big bash, cousin Nabil and cousin Leila, one of the little cousin's and Kilian's sister Alba, Kilian's uncle, and my birthday (and I hope I am not missing any). Here are some photos from this season.

first time in the snow

first time in the snow

playing with the cat

Christmas 2014

My mom's birthday surprise

eating with the help of Aunt Peggy

My birthday cake - we forgot to buy candles

Palau de la Musica Catalana

Palau de la Musica Catalana

Palau de la Musica Catalana

Nabil's birthday

cousins!

Mey asleep on her mama

Loving the monkey

Alba's birthday

It snowed in Terrassa in February

Eating a yellow plum at the park

Arnau's birthday

Playing the piano

Loving the goats at the zoo

Lluis' 80th birthday

the new addition to our family: Mey

Our Baby isn't a Baby Anymore

Roc's almost 18 months old and he's so much fun now! It melts my heart. It is hard to believe he really isn't a baby anymore, even though he still nurses twice a day.

Pure joy

He has learned that when we cross our arms, it is time to pray. At night when he is ready for bed, he sits next to us and gestures at us, then crosses his arms. This is his way of saying that it is time for the bedtime routine. Last night he started emptying his laundry hamper to find his pajamas, brought them to us and then started with the arm crossing. "Hey parents, it is bed time. I'm tired. Help me out!" Of course, he does not actually say this but his communication skills are rapidly improving and often very clear.

Last weekend we went to the zoo and brought one of his books with farm animals in it. When we got to the area of the zoo with the farm animals, we got out this book. He quickly started going through his book to find the corresponding animal (horse, cow, pig, chicken, goat, sheep, etc.). Each time we got to a new animal, he would go to the stroller to find the book and start looking for the animal. He makes connections so quickly now and I find it so impressive (I think it is because I really have very little experience with this age group that I have no idea what to expect).

Finding the animal in his book

He makes these type of connections with everything - if there is a picture of the sun, he will go find his pillow with the sun or point out the window (to indicate the location of the sun in the sky) or find another book with the sun in it. If it is a snail, bird, cloud, moon or any other object that he knows, he will do the same.

Riding the snail at the zoo.

Saying "hola" to the monkey.

He understands almost everything we say - both Catalan and English but hasn't begun to speak much yet. There are a few words here and there but consistently we only hear "hola" which can change its definition at any moment to mean whatever he wants it to mean.

Of course now that he is approaching toddlerhood, we are experiencing the less fun parts as well, chiefly, meltdowns and disobedience. Every day he tests the limits and we feel encouraged when he listens and obeys. One of our main challenges with him is food throwing and hitting/scratching us. He mainly throws food when he is tired, bored, full or when he doesn't like what he has been offered to eat. We experiment with different consequences such as taking the plate away from him and ending the meal if the behavior continues. We are trying to help him learn how to communicate these things in constructive ways like handing his spoon, fork or plate to us as an indicator that he is finished. Sometimes he takes off his bib to indicate this, but other times he takes it off because it is bothering him so it is not always clear.

We are not looking forward to the 18 month sleep regression which should soon be upon us. He still doesn't sleep well, usually waking at least once at night and then waking up extremely early (between 6 a.m. -7 a.m.). Until just last week, he was waking multiple times a night with intense hunger. He would eat a whole yogurt, fruit or left overs around 3 a.m. before being able to sleep again. For many days, if not weeks, we tried everything but feeding him only to realize that what was happening was hunger. Thankfully it seems we have passed that stage (fingers crossed).

Playtime with grandma

Long Time, No Post - Short update

Highlights from the past six months:

Mr. Wendell Roc is now one year old! Roc started preschool in September and loves it. He gets to spend time out of the house, in a different an environment. He has five teeth with one more that has just broken the surface. He walks using a walker and stands sturdily. He is very friendly, smiles and says "hola" to almost everyone he sees passing by on the street. He loves watching pigeons, dogs and cats. He is very observant and curious. We are enjoying watching his personality develop. It's very lovely.

Happy birthday, Roc!

In March we moved to Terrassa from El Vendrell. We didn't really start settling until after we returned from the Holy Land in May. The move changed our daily routine quite a bit. I went from having daily support to managing a home on my own (obviously, my husband helps when he is not working) and taking care of Roc full time, right at a point where he became much more alert, aware and active. It has been an abrupt change - one which I hope to write at more length with time.

With May, came the end of the academic year and I had to wait to start many activities, making for a very long summer. Thankfully, now that fall is in full swing, I have started participating more in the life of society: Catalan classes, English language interchange, quilting classes, driver's ed, children's classes and study circles. This involvement has helped a lot in terms of emotional, social well-being. It's nice to slowly meet people, create bonds and friendships, and connect with the community in a variety of ways.

In July, my mom visited and we went to southern France. It was wonderful and beautiful. We visited Provence, in and around the Luberon/Vaucluse area during lavender blooming season. Some parts of the region are rich with ocher, and ocher mines, which we visited as well. The trip was really a feast for the senses - sights (blues, yellows, oranges, greens), smells (lavender, herbs, fruits), tastes (Provencal cuisine, fresh summer fruits like melon, cherries and yellow plums, gourmet ice creams), sounds (nature and quiet - we stayed in a rural area, nothing like not hearing sounds of a city) and textures (of the aforementioned). It was blissful and I long to go back.

Family photo in front of Abbaye Notre-Dame de Sénanque in Gordes, France.

My mom with Roc at Le Sentier des Ocres in Roussillon, France.

Finally, I want to leave you with this song which popped in to my mind as I started to write. Mostly because of the opening lines from Timbaland: 

It's been a long time (long time), we shouldn't of left you (left you),
Without a dope beat to step to (step to, step to, step to, step to).

Hope to see you again soon!

Half of Year with Wendell Roc!

As of April 5th, Roc is six months old! It is hard to believe we are halfway around the sun with this little man. Time really flies.

This was one of our most exciting months in terms of his development. He started rolling over from back-to-front. He had been mostly there for a long time and he finally made it over. Now we really have to watch it. We can't leave him on the middle of the bed any more because he will just roll himself off and that is no fun. He enjoys rolling over and he just rolls himself away. It's quite cute how he is relishing in his new accomplishment.

This month we moved into our new home which means he finally has his own room where he can keep his clothes and toys, where we can change his diaper and where he can... sleep. We bought him an over-sized crib that can convert into a toddler bed when he is older and started using it right away. No more sleeping in mommy's and daddy's room, in our bed. When we moved him, we decided to sleep train him at the same time. It made sense. We decided to first to train him to sleep through the night. Once he had that accomplished, we would train him to fall asleep on his own. I will post in more detail about what we did so I will leave it brief here. In any case, we did achieve this goal and I'm feeling so much more rested now (however, our travels to Israel did change this status - more on that later).

Happy to be in his new crib.

Since he started sitting on his own, we decided it was time to start with solids. We gave him a couple of things to try the last two weeks of the month, to get him used to new tastes but he wasn't that in to it. He didn't like banana or apple but was okay with pear and kiwi. We will just have to keep at it. I know I will have to get more systematic as we go on. It's very cool to watch him react to the food, the textures and tastes and learn what to do with it. Babies really have to learn so much and they handle it so well.

Spending time with family

We celebrated his six month by visiting the Mansion of Bahjí and the Shrine of Bahá'u'lláh. What a blessing! It is very special to visit the Bahá'í holy places with Roc.

Visiting the Bahá'í gardens with his dad.

Happy six months, my love!

February with our little Roc: Month 5

So finally...an update!

It has been unusually busy. We spent the month of February house-hunting and then furniture-hunting. Roc was such a good sport about it too. He had to spend an extraordinary amount of time out of the house, in the car, doing errands, going to IKEA, etc. and he handled it so well, better than can be expected.

Because we were out and about so much, I think his development also slowed down a bit. He didn't have as much tummy time, play time, etc. In any case, he did start laughing much more during his fifth month which is a whole lot of fun for us. We love his cute little laugh and his big smile which lights up the room. We almost treat it as if it is a little God that we worship, constantly seeking out new ways to make him laugh and keep him smiling. I guess that's what parents do though - they just love seeing their babies happy and full of joy.

Roc is so tired from all of the errands.

Some time in late February, he also started sitting up on his own. Yay! What a milestone for him. He was a bit wobbly for the couple months. Now he is much better at keeping himself from falling over He also rolled over from front-to-back (much less interesting, I know). We kept waiting and hoping for him to roll from back-to-front. He was so close for so long and he finally achieved it in March.

Captured on camera: sitting up for the first time, unassisted. Yay!

During February, we discovered how much he loved playing the piano, hitting his whole hands against the keys, hearing the sounds. He L-O-V-E-S it! I can't even tell you how mesmerizing and calming it is for him, so much so that I bought him an activity mat with a faux-piano that he can kick with his feet or play when he is sitting up. He gets really excited with it. How did I not realize that a "musical" toy is not conducive to a peaceful houseful? They say "silence is golden" for a reason. Thankfully, it hasn't gotten on my nerves yet.

He is so excited about playing the piano.

Right around the time he turned five months, we were finally able to start his vaccine schedule. Originally we wanted to begin in February (at four months) but we were unable to make it to the doctor due to our hectic house-hunting adventures. He did pretty well during the shots, better than I was expecting, but he had a rough couple of days afterwards. I am not looking forward to the next round, which is due at the beginning of May.