Homebirth: A Father's Experience - Guest Post by Kilian

In follow up to my post on our homebirth, my husband wrote down his views:

Even though hospitals often treat birth as if it were an illness, Catalans see hospital birth as the only option for childbirth. This is in part due to the fact that it’s covered by the social security and the lack of education on other options. There are a small number of women working towards increasing awareness around the benefits of natural birth and home birth, but these options have not yet entered into the general consciousness of the population. Even if a woman learns about these other options, there is still a culture of fear around them, which greatly impacts the level of support and encouragement she receives from her husband, family and friends.

A lot has been written about this and I hope that the conversation grows in my country as well. What I want to share today, however, is how much of a difference the birth experience can make for the father. I am now able to say that the birth of our son—the whole process—is the single best experience of my life.

The truth is that when my wife first mentioned the idea of home birth I was open to learning about it, but I was concerned about the associated risks and costs. We purchased the book Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and I can't recommend it enough. Reading it with my wife during the pregnancy, I understood that the hospital was a risk and even a threat for the well-being and happiness of my family, and gradually assumed that paying for a home birth would be necessary for a safe, respectful and joyful birth experience. This book helped us prepare emotionally, which I think was fundamental in creating such a positively impactful birth experience that we thankfully had.

My wife and I were eagerly awaiting that event, preparing not only emotionally but also spiritually and materially—purchasing the stroller and so many tiny clothes really made it feel real. The day before the due date, she woke me up in a very nice way and asked, in a sweet voice, if I had slept well, and casually mentioned that she had been having what seemed to be contractions for a while. We decided to wait a little bit before calling the midwife. I figured I should use the little time before she arrived and before the contractions became stronger to have breakfast; I would certainly need to be well fed if I wanted to be of any help during labor.

I accompanied my wife during the entire labor. This included massaging and applying pressure on her lower back, encouraging her and just being with her and being available for her in whatever way necessary. She was strong and calm, so it was not hard to be calm as well. I already knew that, whatever happened, one of my main roles was to remain tranquil.

Massaging her was hard work—you have to be ready to adopt extreme postures—, but I felt the effort I was making was nothing compared to hers, and I was so happy to be able to provide some help or comfort for her and our baby. I felt that the three of us—my wife, our baby and I—were working together, with very different roles, for a supreme goal. It was such a spiritual experience that the hours just passed, one after the other, with the consciousness that every minute and every effort was leading us to holding a baby that would change our lives in every way and bring incalculable amounts of happiness.

The birth advanced gradually and the awaited moment eventually arrived. I was able to see my son's very dark hair, then his head, and then my wife held him, grabbing him herself as he came out. It was certainly a moment dominated by strong emotions. There he was, with us, communicating by crying, elevating our nine months relationship to a whole new level. When we had a moment alone I whispered the following verse three times into each ear (one ear in English and the other in Catalan):

“Verily thou hast come by the command of God! Thou hast appeared to speak of Him, and thou hast been created to serve Him, who is the Dear, the Beloved!”

Another element that contributed to the successful birth experience was our family. They had been helping all day by providing food, filling the birthing pool, praying, and showing a great deal of patience by sacrificing the whole top floor of the house, where the labor took place, and much more. My wife’s mom was flying from the US when she went into labor and arrived to our place about an hour after the birth. Once we were all cleaned up and the midwife had left, we called them all into the room and we all sang a few beautiful and spiritual songs that our son seemed to love. It really was a loving and happy atmosphere. The perfect start.

Welcome to the world, Wendell Roc!

Musical devotions with our family

Enjoying our first hours together

The Castanyada: a Catalan alternative to Halloween

Every year on the eve of All Saints Day, which happens to also be Halloween for America, Catalans celebrate the "Castanyada," a dinner of sweet potatoes, roasted castanyes (chestnuts) from which the word "castanyada" is derived and panellets (almond-based cookies). It is traditionally served with a special wine. This Catalan holiday differs from many others in that it is celebrated in the home with family over dinner rather than in the streets with music, dance and other activities.

Sweet potatoes, chestnuts and panellets

Enjoying the Castanyada dinner with family

A large selection of panellets.

During this time of the year, walking through Barcelona and surrounding towns, one will find street vendors roasting chestnuts and sweet potatoes where long cues form to get their hands on these sweet and healthy treats. Since the weather drops quite a bit at this time of year, it is a real delight to warm up the body with these piping hot, freshly-roasted snacks.

Anyone in the mood for chestnuts? Photo credit: Barcelona Street Times

The traditional figure from this holiday is the castanyera (the chestnut-roaster), depicted by the image of an old woman in a skirt with apron and a headscarf, bent over a grill. This image is part of the collective memory of the origins of the Castanyada and has been immortalized in popular children's songs as well as through drawings and stories.

Photo credit: L'Elefant Tropeta

We all struggle with ourselves

Some days I wake up in the worst of moods. Whether it is feeling unmotivated, worried, stressed or just low, no amount of prayer brings me up. I know that we all have choices in life and we can really choose how we react to these things. We can become a slave to emotional, circumstantial or hormonal changes or we can put them in their place and overcome them. This is a choice we have to make daily and we must always be on guard lest something prevents us from realizing our power to choose. We are not always conscious that we have control over our thoughts, feelings and moods. And even if we are conscious, the effort required to change these things may be great.  There are a couple of Writings from the Bahá'í Faith that help me during these times when I remember them and focus my attention on them:

Be not the slave of your moods, but their master. But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier load than you. - attributed to ‘Abdu’l-Bahá 

I charge you all that each one of you concentrate all the thoughts of your heart on love and unity. When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love. Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content. Thoughts of love are constructive of brotherhood, peace, friendship, and happiness. -‘Abdu’l-Bahá

We must strive to attain to that condition by being separated from all things and from the people of the world and by turning to God alone. It will take some effort on the part of man to attain to that condition, but he must work for it, strive for it. We can attain to it by thinking and caring less for material things and more for the spiritual. The further we go from the one, the nearer we are to the other. The choice is ours. -‘Abdu’l-Bahá

Watch over yourselves, for the Evil One is lying in wait, ready to entrap you. Gird yourselves against his wicked devices, and, led by the light of the name of the All-Seeing God, make your escape from the darkness that surroundeth you. Let your vision be world-embracing, rather than confined to your own self. The Evil One is he that hindereth the rise and obstructeth the spiritual progress of the children of men. - Bahá’u’lláh

Shoghi Effendi with his Grandfather, 'Abdu'l-Baha

There is a story of Shoghi Effendi, the Guardian of the Bahá'í Faith, who in his early 20's was called upon to give up his life and become the Head of the Faith. This placed a great burden on him and he took leave to the mountains of Switzerland to rest, grieve the loss of his dear Grandfather, come to terms with the fact that he had been appointed Guardian and prepare himself to take on these heavy responsibilities. It has been related that he said that "he fought with himself until he conquered himself and then he turned himself over to God and became the Guardian." (from a talk by Hand of the Cause of God, Leroy Ioas)

In the following prayer, one commits to being positive, to let go of all the negative and to put their trust in God, regardless of what is happening in one's life: 

O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.

O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.

This is something all of us must do. Whether or not we believe in God, we have to conquer ourselves in order to make progress and enjoy success in this world. We have to work hard every day in order to advance. If we want to enjoy success in our families or careers, it means we have to dedicate ourselves to these things, to becoming better, to advancing and to overcoming the inevitable obstacles that we will face. At any moment, we could feel discouraged, tired or burnt out but life requires us to overcome these feelings and challenges in order to get where we want to be. This is why it is so important to be aware of our own power to influence our own destiny - a destiny which is a consequence of our daily actions, habits and thoughts.  

Be generous in your days of plenty, and be patient in the hour of loss. Adversity is followed by success and rejoicings follow woe. Guard against idleness and sloth, and cling unto that which profiteth mankind, whether young or old, whether high or low. - Bahá’u’lláh

One final note: This is not a simple or easy thing to do. To change one's thought, feeling, habit requires daily effort, patience and discipline. It is not something that happens overnight or the first time you try. All that is being asked is that we make the effort, not that we see immediate results. I think it can be easy to become discouraged with all this talk about self-empowerment because it can seem very idealistic; unrealistic and disconnected from the reality of so many people. This is something that requires a long-term commitment and viewing our daily efforts as a long-term process. It is the baby steps that help us little by little become better over time - not one giant leap at one moment in time.

Let each morn be better than its eve and each morrow richer than its yesterday. -Bahá’u’lláh

Welcoming Wendell Roc: Our Homebirth Experience

After having incredible hunger most of the night, I finally got up around 7:15 a.m. to eat a small breakfast. We were planning to go out to breakfast with family at 9 a.m. so I didn't want to ruin my appetite and figured something small could hold me over until then.

While I was preparing breakfast and eating, I noticed that I was having frequent contractions and they felt a little bit different than the typical Braxton-Hicks I was accustomed to experiencing. Typically, I would only experience Braxton-Hicks when awaking from sleep - so at odd hours of the night or first thing in the morning and they would be done once I had gotten up. These contractions were different since I could also feel them in my lower back and continued after I started moving.

I didn't want to jump to conclusions or get too excited (it could have been pre-labor) so I decided to just monitor the situation over breakfast. At one moment, I tried eating during a contraction and it only made me feel nauseous (recommendation: eat between contractions, not during). This bodily response to the food indicated that these were not normal Braxton-Hicks and hence, this might be the real deal. Conclusion: go wake up your husband.

So I made my way upstairs and calmly woke my husband. I waited for him to wake a little before I told him that I had experienced regular contractions for the last 30 minutes that were about 5 minutes apart. He was ready to call the midwife but since it hadn't been at least an hour, we decided to wait. At around 8:30 a.m., we called both our midwife and doula to let them know that regular contractions had started. Our family breakfast plans were effectively cancelled.

The contractions were very manageable and I felt very calm and relaxed. I wasn't sure I was really in labor. It was all so tranquil at home. The contractions were coming every 3-4 minutes and lasting between 45 seconds to 1.5 minutes. I simply breathed through them and focused on relaxing my body and enjoying the process.

The midwife and doula arrived about 15 minutes apart from each other around 10 a.m. Immediately the midwife took my heart rate and blood pressure and monitored the heartbeat of the baby. Everything was going well. At that point, I was still able to carry on a conversation in between the contractions and I was very calm, even too relaxed; the midwife told my mother-in-law that she didn't think I was in labor (she didn't tell me that, ha!) because I was too relaxed and calm and she hadn't seen that before.

My labor continued to progress and I struggled to find a comfortable position. I started on all-fours on the bed and this was good but then the doula brought in the exercise ball for me to lean on with my arms. This relieved a great pressure that was there between my upper stomach and lungs and gave me more space to breathe which was extremely helpful. I tried standing, leaning on the ball while standing and while on the floor and laying on my side but none of these positions worked for me. I could only be on my knees leaning on the ball.

One very helpful thing that the midwife, doula and my husband did was apply pressure to my lower back/hip area with the palm of their hand. The warmth plus the pressure helped relieve a lot of pressure I was feeling from the baby.

The midwife made an infusion with cinnamon, lemon and honey for me to drink during the process but every time I drank anything I would feel nauseous which was followed by burps so I didn't want to take anything in because I thought I would vomit. As a result, I hardly drank anything during the entire labor. Only towards the end, I was able to drink this sports drink (kind of like Gatorade) and it felt really good since it had been many hours without eating or drinking.

Late in the morning, I stopped being able to have a conversation with anyone during the labor. It was time to focus. At that point, I had asked for the birthing pool to be set up. Little did we know that the hot water heater for the house wasn't prepared in time so it ended up taking about 2 hours to set up the pool with the help of the doula, my in-laws including my brother-in-law and his wife. Sometime during this waiting period, my mucous plug had come out.

It must have been around 2 p.m. that I went into the water. By that time, my labor had become increasingly intense and I was ready for a nap. Getting into the water was a huge relief for my muscles and body - everything felt lighter. In the pool, however, I could not get comfortable for the life of me. It didn't feel well to be seated or to float on my stomach or to float on my side or back. And I was very tired and I couldn't fall asleep because I had to keep my head above the water.

My time in the pool was the roughest. I had heard so many great things about birthing pools and what-have-you so I wanted to try it but I am pretty sure I went through transition in the pool. Transition was challenging because that was when I really felt moments where my emotions started getting the best of me.

Until the pool, I had been very focused on positive thinking, breathing and logic. Every moment I felt where I wanted to cry, I had told myself to face it calmly and without excitement, nerves or tension. I was constantly reminding myself that any trace of anxiety, nervousness, fear or resistance would slow down my labor and make it harder on the baby, my body and myself. I was also reminding myself of how capable my body was of doing this work and that I was healthy and strong so there was no need for doubts or worries. Repeating "Alláh-u-Abhá" was also of enormous value. Every time I would focus on the positive, I would feel the Oxytocin release and would feel happier and better in the process. 

During my time in the pool (and most probably transition), this constant stream of constructive reasoning was no longer sufficient. My emotions were stronger and I felt what I assume most women feel during this time: feeling like you can't do it and that you want to give up. I was a bit surprised when I started having these negative thoughts and I had to try even harder to counter them with positive thoughts...And then I remembered this quote from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá:

“The woman is indeed of the greater importance to the race. She has the greater burden and the greater work. Look at the vegetable and the animal worlds. The palm which carries the fruit is the tree most prized by the date grower. The Arab knows that for a long journey the mare has the longest wind. For her greater strength and fierceness, the lioness is more feared by the hunter than the lion.

"The mere size of the brain has been proved to be no measure of superiority. The woman has greater moral courage than the man; she has also special gifts which enable her to govern in moments of danger and crisis. If necessary she can become a warrior.”

After about an hour of not being comfortable in the pool, it was time to get things moving again so I got out. I think I had one, if not two, contractions outside of the pool before returning to my bedroom. Walking from the room the pool was in to my bedroom (about 20 feet max.) was incredibly difficult. I barely made it to the bed before something was falling out of me! It was my water bag. What a strange feeling! It started coming out whole then broke during the process. It was then that I began to realize that maybe I was really in labor.

The midwife began to prepare for the birth. She set up the birthing stool and got Kilian and I into position. It was her indications that led me to believe I was close to the end. Wow! What a concept when you are in the middle of labor! She had me sit down on this hard birthing stool and had Kilian support me. She asked me if I wanted to feel my baby and told me to put my finger in to feel him. He was just in past the point of my index finger, maybe 3 inches. She told me I could start pushing.

I pushed a few times on that hard stool and that really hurt. She had me pause to make sure I was dilated enough only to find that the baby had dropped almost two inches - yup, I was fully dilated. I moved to the bed since the stool was painful and used the doula for support while pushing. The midwife placed warm towels on my womanly parts and told me to press down towards them. This really helped me direct my pushing in the right direction. Then she told me to push in such a way that the baby stays down. I did that and the baby stayed down. Kilian and her could see his long hair coming out. Then she told me not to push and to wait. I could feel the baby's head opening the vaginal area and coming out on its own. This felt very, very strange and I kind of jerked my leg and stressfully asked "What is happening down there?!"(It's too bad I moved because it caused a tear). After that, the midwife had me move in to position to catch my baby. With one more long push, he was out. It was 3:47 p.m. (Obviously, there is the post-baby labor stuff but I am not going to go through that here).

I was so thankful that Kilian was there the whole time supporting me in every way possible. We also had great support from the midwife and doula as well as the family who were able to help making sure we had everything we needed during the process. While we were in labor, they were very quiet, preparing food and saying prayers.

When everything finally calmed down that evening, we had a small musical devotional in our bedroom for Wendell Roc with all of the immediate family. It was a beautiful way to welcome him into the world.

**UPDATE: My husband's perspective on our homebirth experience can be found here.

Within hours of his birth.

The official birth announcement

Wendell Roc

Delicaffessen

There is a new cafe in town - new meaning that it wasn't there in 2012 - with a distinctly North American touch. It's styled with black and white paint, with red accents and black and white photos in red frames. The photos come from various movies, from classic to modern, the scene of which includes coffee. There are many, many tables in this cafe and they provide free wi-fi. They bring a large jug of water with each order, which is exactly what any coffee drinker will need. The impression I get is that they WANT you to be comfortable and to stay. They also speak English.

some of the interior detail

The coffee itself is excellent. I have tried the regular once and the decaf a number of times. I always order the same: cafe amb llet or cafe con leche or coffee with milk. I have learned that a European (or Israeli) cappuccino is not the same as one in the US and have found these cafe amb llet's to be a delightful substitute. Anyway, back to the coffee: the decaf here does not taste like decaf. It is so delicious that you don't even realize it is decaf. Decaf is usually disgusting and hardly drinkable but here it is so sweet and smooth; there is hardly any difference.

cafe amb llet with magdalena

The only downside to this cafe is the pastry selection. Once, I had a piece of homemade brioche which went perfectly with the coffee but since it's been hit or miss. There is little to choose from and I'm not convinced it is homemade. If you like to have your coffee with a pastry, this may or may not be the place for you. 

You can visit their Facebook page here to find their location and hours.

On being 39 weeks pregnant...

As this pregnancy winds down, I feel compelled to comment on it.

It's been a pretty enjoyable journey. When I first found out I was pregnant, I really didn't know what to expect. I heard all these horror stories about women who feel so ugly, fat and uncomfortable for nine months. They put on all this weight even though they are constantly vomiting and they can't sleep or basically do anything normally. So I was a little nervous about what was to come, but thankfully, I found that I experienced it very differently.

During the first trimester, I experienced heightened hormones and hence, moodiness and headaches but did not have other pregnancy symptoms. I transitioned in to the second trimester quite smoothly. It was not until around 20 weeks (halfway) that I started to have the slightest baby bump and it was not until the sixth month that I made a complete switch into pregnancy clothes, many of which were just over-sized regular clothes. Even now at 39 weeks, people think I am in my seventh or eighth month; I feel very blessed.

It was important for me to make sure that the clothes I had during pregnancy made me feel beautiful, but that they were also practical. I also made sure to wear makeup and jewelry and spend time on my hair. It makes a difference in how one sees and feels about oneself; it's not about vanity and it's not vain!

The best investment I made for this pregnancy was in a pair of flat Clarks sandals that I could dress up or down. (It was summer. For fall/winter I would recommend a pair of awesome boots with some good support.) Yes, they were Clarks but they weren't as unattractive as expected and they made it possible for me to be on my feet, walking for hours and hours without getting tired or sore. 

I also didn't experience the said pregnancy cravings or increased appetite that many women experience. I think maintaining a healthy, balanced diet is key to preventing cravings and overeating during this time. I did need to have small healthy snacks throughout the day or my blood sugar would drop drastically and I would not be able to function too well. This was very difficult for me but it was the key. I felt like it was training or preparation for motherhood, since during motherhood you have to feed the baby (and later child) throughout the day. There have to be scheduled breaks for the little one and you have to prepare their snacks before you leave the house. Pregnancy really helps prepare you for this - as hard as it is. It requires a bit of detachment from the way you are used to living; it is a preview of what is to come.

At one point during the second trimester, I was dealing with severely dry, itchy skin. It ended up being connected to eating chocolate and drinking coffee. By significantly reducing (I don't have the power to remove these completely) these acidic, caffeinated foods from my diet, my skin recovered within a few days. Another food-related issue I had was during the seventh month. It was when my belly really started to grow and I think the pressure on my stomach and digestive track was very great. It only happened three times but three times for a week at a time is not easy. Basically, I couldn't eat or drink without severe stomach pain, diarrhea and vomiting. It was very intense and I still don't know what caused it. Thankfully, it resolved itself in the end.

One thing that saved me during this pregnancy was continuous exercise, which typically took the form of yoga and some weight training (I didn't have access to an elliptical or pool, which would have been amazing). Just 30 minutes of exercise a few times per week really increased my energy levels like nothing else and it also decreased any tightness or soreness I may have been experiencing.

In the last week or two, I have started to have a bit of swelling in general. I am much more tired than before and there is more pressure on my lower back which makes it challenging to sleep and to walk quickly. I can't complain though. This time will be very short-lived and soon our son will be here. It's been a pleasant experience, requiring patience and detachment. Patience because I have had to wait for nine months and detachment because I will experience a huge life change. I will become a mom and there is no going back to pre-mom Ashley - ever. Here is a beautiful prayer revealed by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá for this moment in time:

My Lord! My Lord! I praise Thee and I thank Thee for that whereby Thou hast favored Thine humble maidservant, Thy slave beseeching and supplicating Thee, because Thou hast verily guided her unto Thine obvious Kingdom and caused her to hear Thine exalted Call in the contingent world and to behold Thy Signs which prove the appearance of Thy victorious reign over all things.

O my Lord, I dedicate that which is in my womb unto Thee. Then cause it to be a praiseworthy child in Thy Kingdom and a fortunate one by Thy favor and Thy generosity; to develop and to grow up under the charge of Thine education. Verily, Thou art the Gracious! Verily, Thou art the Lord of Great Favor!

Homemade cookies

I have ventured into the land of no-recipe baking. 

not the most beautiful looking but tasty all the same.

I felt like we needed cookies in the home so I decided to make some healthier cookies. In principle, they are a version of oatmeal walnut chocolate chip cookies. In reality, they are oatmeal walnut carob chip cookies made with a combination of rice and whole grain flour in place of all-purpose white flour, maple syrup and honey in place of white and brown sugar and carob chips in place of chocolate chips. I still used eggs and butter, salt and baking powder - I have yet to muster the courage to go dairy-free.

I have been known to substitute sugars and flours in the past but this was the first time I completely forwent measuring. They turned out pretty well, if I must say. I could have added a bit more oats and honey. In any case, I recommend experimentation to you as it encourages creativity and trusting in oneself.