An Offering: A Very Personal Post

My life has been disconnected for some years now and I feel sad about it.

I am a person who longs for and needs connection, meaningful relationships and love.

I had some tests a while back that were so great that I withdrew socially and emotionally because I was overwhelmed by their complexity and did not know how to remain connected to those I loved while dealing with them. As a result, I’m sure I hurt those friends who did not know or were not able to understand what weight I was carrying.

Now here I am, years later, emerging anew, and my old self shed. I am as a perennial blossoming fresh from a long, harsh winter in the early spring soil, still tender but strong. I do not know if those wilted relationships have the strength to endure, although I hope they do.

This disconnection deepened also because I moved to a foreign country where I didn’t know anyone and have still yet to form a sense of connection, a community where I feel I belong. In many ways I feel hardened and apathetic, but I know this is just due to years of feeling apathy, judgment, condescension and indifference towards me. This made it even more challenging to overcome those aforementioned tests, adapt to a new social and cultural reality and have energy left to form bonds and new relationships.

I long for the warmth of love and connection to help me bounce back to social, joyful ol’ me. I miss opening my house to friends and strangers and trying to help people feel happy and welcome. I miss showing love to people; that was so characteristically part of my identity and something I considered as one of my strengths. Lacking community and friendship means I don’t have people with whom I can care for and express love to on a regular basis.

Please let me know if you are interested in starting over with me.

With love,

Ashley