My life has been disconnected for some years now and I feel sad about it.
I am a person who longs for and needs connection, meaningful
relationships and love.
I had some tests a while back that were so great that I
withdrew socially and emotionally because I was overwhelmed by their complexity
and did not know how to remain connected to those I loved while dealing with
them. As a result, I’m sure I hurt those friends who did not know or were not
able to understand what weight I was carrying.
Now here I am, years later, emerging anew, and my old self
shed. I am as a perennial blossoming fresh from a long, harsh winter in the
early spring soil, still tender but strong. I do not know if those wilted
relationships have the strength to endure, although I hope they do.
This disconnection deepened also because I moved to a
foreign country where I didn’t know anyone and have still yet to form a sense
of connection, a community where I feel I belong. In many ways I feel hardened
and apathetic, but I know this is just due to years of feeling apathy,
judgment, condescension and indifference towards me. This made it even more
challenging to overcome those aforementioned tests, adapt to a new social and
cultural reality and have energy left to form bonds and new relationships.
I long for the warmth of love and connection to help me
bounce back to social, joyful ol’ me. I miss opening my house to friends and
strangers and trying to help people feel happy and welcome. I miss showing love
to people; that was so characteristically
part of my identity and something I considered as one of my strengths.
Lacking community and friendship means I don’t have people with whom I can care
for and express love to on a regular basis.
Please let me know if you are interested in starting over
with me.
With love,
Ashley
